Realized this.

Ok these things are on my heart, have been for awhile. I have been trying to find a way to truly express it. Well, the day has come. I have no other way then to just speak from my heart, about how it feels. Now what I am feeling is not necessarily guilt, or blame on any part. Just things that I have recently been thinking of. I have come off of all of my medications. I feel a world of difference. I have felt for the last nearly 8 months that I have been stuck on the day that I delivered Lucy. But since coming off of the meds I feel that I have finally began to move forward, not move on because that will never happen. I feel that I have been able to realize that Lucy is not here, and never will be. No matter how much I felt I had truly faced that already, I hadn't. Now that I am, I keeping asking why. Why WE had to loose our daughter. Why our daughter has to be but through such pain, why she had to experience this loss. Why didn't I listen to my gut at my last ultrasound. Why didn't I listen when my gut told me to schedule an appt with the dr rather then seeing a tech, for the first time in practically 9 yrs. Why did I allow myself to leave that hospital that last night Lucy was alive. Why that morning did I not listen and get to the hospital sooner, rather then screwin around trying to get my meds. Why didn't I go back as soon as my contractions came back. Why didn't I ask that night before for them to do an ultrasound and check on her. Why didn't I ask them to check the flow of the umbilical cord, when I felt on my heart that something was wrong. Why didn't I go on with the delivery on the 30th instead of waiting until the 31st, and maybe even with just the slightest tiniest bit of hope they could have revived her, instead I was so physically and mentally exhausted I could not do it. Why didn't I have the kids brought up for that family picture, knowing it would be the only one we could have ever possibly had. Why did I have to have so many things happen during her pregnancy and not be able to fully enjoy it even for just one day, if it was the only time I was going to be able to feel her alive. 
When I first learned I was pregnant with her, I felt that sting the day that I was told of my friends pregnancy ending so soon, and then again when another friends pregnancy had also ended so soon. That sting I felt with my miscarriages. I felt that sting when I was in the hospital and the tech told me she was 85% sure she was a girl. I felt that sting when we were given confirmation that she was a beautiful princess we would be blessed with for her big sister that had longed for her, and for her big brothers who I know would have loved her so much. When she told us that Lucy was measuring perfectly, and actually 3 days ahead of her due date, I KNEW something wasn't right because it was so unlike my babies, I felt that sting. When I had gone to Shands for my first high risk appt, I felt that sting, but at that time I thought her heart had already stopped and was so scared for the ultrasound. When I went to leave, I should have scheduled my followup but I just didn't listen to my heart, I left there feeling that sting in my heart. I felt that sting when I bought her clothes, when I looked at anything for her. When I pictured bringing her home, and what life would be like I felt that sting. When we told Mary, and gave her some things that she would be able to share with her baby sister, I felt that sting. I felt that sting on Christmas, when my husband gave me the greatest gift a mother could be given, 5 little people charms (2 girls, & 3 boys) and a carriage charm for my pandora bracelet. I had always wanted something like that, and as ecstatic as I was and how much joy it brought me to imagine life with our 5 children, I felt that sting. When I had to do cpr on Owyn, I felt that sting and was terrified of loosing him, and once we knew he was ok I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with Lucy. Little did I know how much our lives would change over the next month. When we went to the hospital and they told me they couldn't keep her on the monitor because she was so active, I felt that sting. That night I could not sleep, at all. When I awoke the next morning, and the contractions were coming back I felt that sting. I asked Jay if we should take one of the outfits that an amazing woman had sent me, that at the time I thought may have been small enough, I put it back down because I felt that sting and in my heart that Lucy would not be coming home with us that day, but even though I felt that sting I held onto hope that God would not allow this to happen to me, to us. Especially after what we had just experienced with Owyn. But once I arrived at the hospital and I felt the tiniest little flutter as they were rolling me off the elevator I felt that sting stronger then ever and I knew that was the last movement I would ever feel from her. 20 mins later they could not find her heartbeat. They said that it was just being masked by mine, because I was so scared and knew she was gone I could not settle my heart down. But I KNEW that she was gone. When the tech came in, as soon as she put the wand on my stomach and there were no sounds, it was as though I had known all along that she would not make it home with us, that she would forever be our little angel. It was as though every time I took the medications, when yes they may have helped some, they kept taking me back to that fateful day. That day that I remember absolutely nothing about except for that I left that hospital without our baby, and the greatest sorrow I had ever known. That we were far enough along that if the night before I would have stayed and gone to shands and wound up delivering, that she would have had more of a chance of survival. That I was at least only 6 wks away from being able to deliver our HEALTHY baby girl. I left there knowing I was the mommy to an angel that I would never get to watch grow, that I would never be able to hug her and kiss her, and watch her play. I left there completely, madly, deeply in love with an angel. I left appreciating life, my children, and my husband more then I ever had before and I thought I couldn't appreciate it anymore then I already had. I left there knowing my children, and my family were completely devastated and there was nothing I could do to change that. I left there with all of my faith and trust in God and His plan completely shattered. 

Try very hard to remember.

Now, now I have come to accept all of it. No it does not change the sorrow, it does not take the pain of missing her away. But I have realized that she had a purpose, her precious little life had a reason. She saved my life so that I could be here and take care of her sister, and brothers. They discovered my arrhythmia because of my pregnancy with her. Loosing her has made me realize that no matter how much faith & trust you have, that things are not meant to work out the way YOU intend it too. It is all in God's hands. It is His choice when our time on Earth is finished. It is His choice when we receive blessings. That as quick as He gives them, He can take them away. As I saw on a picture, that "God makes us hit rock bottom, to realize He is the rock at the bottom." This year has been the roughest yet, and I pray that we never have to face another like it. It has changed my family, it has changed who I am. If you know me you know the struggles we have had with each pregnancy, but you also know that I would do it all again for any one of my babies. They are my world. My world has revolved around them. Around playing with them, raising them, and loving them. It has always been my fear of something happening to one of my children. We had a scare with Mary, then to have Kyleman born with hearing loss and it should have had many other complications, then Iyan being born and having a fever of 102 for the first nearly two weeks of his life, then Owyn having his seizure and having to perform cpr on him, and 3 early miscarriages in all of that. I thought after that we had experienced so much pain, that we wouldn't experience my greatest fear again. And I say again, because Owyn was gone. I had experienced the loss of a child, if only for a few minutes, I had. But I was very naive. I had my faith and trust rocked on the day of Owyn's seizure. All during my pregnancy with Lucy I was very cautious, I think a little to cautious. But I began to change from the moment I found out I was pregnant with her, I just did not realize it. But looking back, I can see that I had. My fear of loosing her had all but consumed me. I did not allow myself to fully attach to her, until much later in the pregnancy only to have her taken away. I took everyday for granted, and kept thinking how I could not wait to get to the day to hold our baby sister. If I only would have realized how amazing life was during those 30 wks. Even with how sick I was, needing phenergan shots every two hours, and my thyroid meds, with how I could barely move because of my back... it was amazing. I had 4 amazing, healthy miracles and another on the way. I had a man that loves me and our children with his whole heart. We had a place to call home. We had family that loved us. And a God that I had never truly doubted. 

My prayer is that I find that hope, faith, and trust again one day
and never loose it again.

Now. I think twice about every decision I make. I think twice before allowing my children to do anything. I try everyday to find something that has brought us happiness. I hug, kiss, and talk with my kids more then I ever had. I watch every second closely, because it may be my last second with someone. My heart is happy and feels very blessed but it also aches, so much, and will NEVER feel whole and complete again. I question to leaving the house at times for fear of something reminding me of her, and the loss we had. I am afraid to be with friends in fear of them not being honest and talking with me about anything because they are afraid of upsetting me or that I will upset them by mentioning her. When in reality, now is when I need them the most. Or that my friends would rather spend time elsewhere or someone else because they do not know how to face, or talk to a woman going through what I have. I was content with everything in my life, now I feel like I do not know what content feels like. I feel like pure happiness is just something someone dreams about. A piece of my heart will forever be missing, it will never be whole again. A piece of me left that day. The happiness that I do feel, is completely different then I have ever experienced. I do not smile easily anymore. When I do smile, it's just not the same9. I feel guilt for smiling, knowing how much my heart is aching. I feel like in the last nearly 8 months I have aged so many years. Loosing a child is something no parent should have to face. I truly wish I would have known how much loosing a child could change you, so I could have been even just a touch prepared. I did not even have time to truly process what had happened with Owyn before we lost Lucy, I had no idea what I was truly in for. So many lessons learned since the second of her loss. Learning the true meaning of grief, learning to NEVER take a single second for granted, to stop and listen to your heart and your gut, to appreciate everything and everyone in your life, no matter what struggles you may have faced so far. To never hold anything in. To always talk about your feelings. To hold every memory you can close to your heart. This is all stuff, that I thought I had done before that day. I was completely wrong. I thought that I knew how much I loved my family, that I held every memory in my heart. 
I feel as though I am learning to live again. I know that I will never be the same woman I was. I will never be the same mother, friend, sister, daughter, aunt that I was. I will never be that naive again. I will always hold the lessons learned close to my heart. I am learning to trust in God's plan for my life again. I am trying to find a way to trust myself again. It feels durn near impossible, but I'm trying. I know that at the time I made the best decisions, the decisions that I would bring our daughter here safely but with that I have learned that it doesn't matter what decisions I make, if it isn't part of God's plan then it will not happen. I have accepted my mistakes, and things that I should have done differently. I can not change them. All I can do is learn. I will never understand or be ok with the fact that our daughter was called home but I have accepted that it is part of our journey and what I believe are the lessons God had instore for me to learn. I will always have a little bit of regret for the decisions that I made, but I have accepted it. As much as it hurts, I am thankful for the short time I had Lucy, I would have rather had that short time then no time at all. Because one day I will know her, one day I will see her again. That I am promised. Yes I still hurt, I always will, nothing can change that. But she saved my life, she has taught me more from her short time then I believe I could have ever learned. She is our daughter, and I am so blessed to say that I have 2 daughters and 3 sons.

She has forever changed
our family.

1. I am a mother of five.
2. I have 2 daughters and 3 sons.
3. I have accepted my journey.
4. I am finding a way to trust God, and myself again.
5. I try very hard to not take anything for granted.
6. I know the true meaning of grief.
7. My heart will never be whole again.
8. I will always listen to my heart and my gut.
9. I have been blessed.
10. I am Mommy to an angel.

Kissing our angel, Lucy Kate.

I am not the same person I was before, I will never be the same. I am forever changed. 
Always Ours <3

 Now, if you made it through this, remember that I do not blame myself or anyone else. This is just things that have crossed my mind, and this is the only way I knew to completely let go of them. And with that, I leave you this picture. It is a symbol of us letting Lucy go, and allowing her to rest in peace until our jobs are done here on Earth and we join her one day.

This is us letting our balloons go on the day of Lucy's service.
 As Jason put it "they are dancing up to her."
We were surrounded by loved ones, &
I couldn't have asked for anything more on such a painful day.
I began my healing process on that day. 

Always Ours

‎1. My heart will never fully heal
2. I will never be the same woman I was before Jan 31, 2012
3. A piece of me has been sent to heaven
4. I, my husband, & my children will forever have an angel to watch over us
5. I am weaker then I have ever been in my life

But if my story can help just one person to save their baby's life I will share it all day long. It is the only positive thing I can see coming from this loss in my life.

I love you Lucy Kate Ascough, Always Ours ♥

I shared my story tonight. Of some regrets, and things that I should have done differently. I can not change our baby's story, but if it can bring a little light to someone else's situation then I will share it. *I* will NEVER change the outcome of God's plan, but I pray that He can use Lucy and give me the right words to help another baby. It is the ONLY positive thing that can come from this. I do not use good, because it is not a good situation any way you look at it. But I pray if mine & Lucy's story is meant too, that it will help another baby who's life may be at risk. Her short little life has purpose, I know this <3

Poem I found

This was shared on a fb page I'm on, and I love it.


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say:

A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

Heavy Heart

Sums it all up.

So another angel momma shared this figurine with me and it is so heavy on my heart. It has stirred up the emotions that were already stirring. 
The last week my heart has been heavy. I am not sure why, but it is. I have so many mixed emotions. So very ecstatic that I get to go "home" for the first time in 10 years. I get to see friends that I haven't seen in longer that I grew up with, and I get to see my family. I get to see my dad who I have not seen in about a year, other then Lucy's service and Easter day. I get to see my mom. I get to go and witness one of my dearest friends marry the love her life. This is all unbelievably exciting for me, and I am SOOO thankful that we have been given the blessing to go home and see my family and friends. But there is this part of me that is so sad, and heartbroken that our angel will not be with us in person. This part that just isn't quite sure how to enter into this trip, and the upcoming months. You see I had these thoughts, and dreams about what my girls would wear for halloween and about Christmas. Then I have her 1st Angelversary, and her daddy's birthday. So many things that I am now going to have to face, and face alone. Because no matter how much my husband does understand, or other angel momma's are out there, no one is ME, no one is in my heart and head and able to help me through this. I KNOW I have so many for support, and I am so thankful for that!!! But no one will feel the same way I do. 
This figure represents everything. I can not begin to describe it, at all. I have handed one of my beautiful miracles over to an angel to watch over and care for while I spend my days here on earth. It's like I have sent my child away to another parent, and I did not choose to do so. No matter how much I move forward, no matter how much I want to move forward without forgetting or letting her go, it feels nearly impossible. But at the same time, I feel I have come so far. I feel like I can move forward without forgetting or letting her go. She will always be with us, she will ALWAYS be OUR CHILD, no matter if she is here on earth or playing in Heaven, she is always with us and always ours. 
I know people try to help when they say "it was all God's plan" or "she's in a better place" or "you just have to move on." But honestly, none of it helps. I know everything is a part of God's plan, I know she is happier then she could ever be here on earth, and I know that I need to find a place of balance where I hold her in my heart and memory but able to truly let her rest in peace while we finish our job here on earth. But just because I KNOW of all this, and you may say all of this, does not make the pain or hurt or sorrow any less. If you haven't experienced this loss you can never imagine or understand the feeling, and I would NEVER wish this on ANYONE. I feel that I have moved on and come so far in 7 months, but yet still feel I have SOOOO far to go before I can go a day without a sad thought. I am not stuck on the day we lost her, or those feelings. It is just hard knowing she is not here to celebrate life with. So hard to think of the future, which I do, and know that I will go possibly another 40 yrs of life and she will always be missing from our family's life, family picture. 
I do not want anyone to walk on eggshells, I want to know if someone is expecting. Being around babies, has helped me more then I could have imagined it would. It is so hard, but it feels incredible. And THAT feeling overrides the hard parts. I want her mentioned, she deserves to be mentioned. She is just as important to us as our 4 other beautiful lovebugs. So please, please do not hesitate. To talk of her, or to ask how we are with it all. Is it hard? Bet your butt. Does it feel incredible to talk of her and remember her? Bet your butt. She is our child, and always will be <3 

I have decided I would love to have this drawn up to hang in our home.
 But I would want it to say "Faith, Family, Friends"

From my heart to yours

I have been trying so hard to find the right words and way to express where I am in life right now. I unfortunately have not been able to find those words. But today, I was able to express my journey to a friend. So I thought what better way to express it then for it to be spoken from my heart to try to help touch the life of another family that has lost a loved one at such a young age. 

So here goes....
From my heart to yours <3

So unbelievably true. I've always been more of keep to myself kind of person. But after loosing Lucy, I've become a pretty raw person. I learned the most painful way how short life is, who true friends are, and how people can seem like the greatest person in the world till it comes down to you needing them by your side. On Dec 27, I had to do cpr on my son and we were unsure of his diagnosis and what damage had been done, then Jan 31 on my husbands birthday we lost our baby girl, my world was COMPLETELY upside down and I had lost pretty much my entire support system. My world was crashing down around me and I realized that life would never,ever be the same again. I've had to experience pain and watch my children and husband suffer pain and there was nothing I could do. I've pretty much always showed my emotions, but had a really hard time speaking what was on my mind. From that moment on I have not. I learned how to speak about anything that was on my heart, and that you truly have too to have any kind of peace and experience true happiness. So that you do not live with any regrets. So that if that second comes where you are no longer here no one will be left wondering if you lived a happy life. Everyone will know that no matter how frustrated or angry you could have been, you were able to talk it over and release it. Then I lived the next 6 months in this rut where I missed her terribly and I was scared to death of my son having another seizure that I didn't truly enjoy them, enjoy life. NOW, now I'm taking my life back. And it feels amazing to do so. Amazing to see my kids in a light that I've never seen them before, and I thought my heart couldn't love them anymore and that I couldn't be prouder of them, but my heart is just bursting with joy & love for my children, family, and friends that I've never known. I'm not so reserved anymore, I've experienced some thing that I NEVER EVER thought I would lol! I've made memories to last me a lifetime, I've learned what a true friendship and love are about. Because through all of this the people that I expected to be there weren't, and the people that I knew would help us through were there in more ways then my heart could have ever imagined!
I pray Christina, that your family comes out stronger then ever and bonded like you never thought possible. He will be greatly, deeply missed by you all forever and nothing can ever change that no matter how much you try to take that step and move forward. But you know in your hearts that you all loved him, he knew that, and that he was a very happy little boy ♥ I could tell by the comments you made and the few pics I have seen how much he was loved, and how happy he was with that 10,000 watt smile! I am sure he would want you all to find some way to remember him and make his short life count for something here on earth.
I also recently lost a very very dear friend that I had not be able to see or talk too in about 5 yrs. He had 2 daughters and unborn child, which his gf found out was a boy after he passed. THAT taught me to NEVER let a friendship go without letting the other person KNOW how much they mean to you. And I know that your nephew would never question the love of his family, but take that and use it. Remember to always share how much someone means to you!!!!!
We are putting up a few things in the house today for Lucy, in a VERY positive way. I will post pics today so you can see it. One thing we did for her was released purple balloons with forget me knot seeds in them. I want to do a family picture with a purple balloon for her but that will take some to arrange. But through the loss of her & my friend who did childrens charities I want to do some sort of childrens charity in their memories, that weighs heavy on my heart. Maybe your family can find something to band together, and do in his memory ♥
SOOO sorry for the novel!!! Did not intend that!!!!!

My pleasure. I still struggle every day, it is not easy. But her short 31 wks in my tummy she taught my family so much. She was the baby sister to our daughter and three sons. She was our missing link. But I just try everyday to remind myself that I need to be strong and push through not only for my other children, but also for her. I want her life to have her purpose. Even though she never took a breathe on this physical earth she was still apart of our family and brought more joy then I can express and wanted more then I can ever express. I have incredibly hard pregnancies, and hers was by far the worst with heart conditions and only loosing weight, never gaining... To loose her and knowing that one different decision could have saved her life. I blamed myself for about 3-4 months. Sometimes I still have that nagging in my heart but looking back now, I KNOW that I loved her and did everything I thought right by her. She was absolutely too perfect for this earth. With all the problems I had she was healthy and measuring perfectly which none of my kids have, brought the meaning "too beautiful for earth" to reality for us ♥ 
I pray with every word I speak of our angel that it will help someone in some way. It's the only slightly positive that can come right now for me. I am not perfect and I do not expect anything I say to help someone heal, but if I can help in the slightest way it feels as though her life has had a purpose ♥
Please Christina too, if you don't mind, pass my info along. I'm still at the tip of the iceberg to healing but anything I can do, please let me know ♥

Your welcome. I never believed the words "time will heal." But then I had never been through such a life altering loss. Yes I've lost my great grandparents and my aunt & uncle who were like my grandparents but never something that truly affected my day to day life. So it didn't make sense to me. But it does now. No it doesn't take the pain in your heart away, and I still cry for her often, but it's because of missing seeing her, not the pain of the loss. So yes, I suppose in a round about way it does. He'll always be in your family, you just have to make the choice to keep him alive for you all ♥ That's what I'm trying to do now! 
Love you to Christina! I didn't mean to take over your post honey ;)

Just need to say too, this is my absolute worst fear come true. If there is anything I have feared in life, this was it. I never thought I could survive something like this. But I'm beginning to see that I am, and not for myself, but for my family ♥
You will too. It will take time, but you will. The biggest thing that helped me, was starting counseling right away. We started about 2-3 wks after we lost her... It was the best thing we could have done to make sure my husband and I didn't loose our communication, and found a way to be there for one another, and our children ♥

Update.

Well I have let this go for far to long. Just been extremely busy and trying to keep my mind occupied. I am doing better. Well for the most part. I still have my moments and sometimes my days but I just try to push the thoughts away. The last 2 weeks have had several occasions that I had pictured and planned for with our sweet Lucy, and they have been rather rough to get through but I made it. Now today I am celebrating my birthday and it is so bittersweet. I wish so much my princess was here with us. But I pray she is looking down and celebrating with us. I pray she has been the last 2 weeks. We are beginning to find some sort of normalcy again...well a new normal. It still after 6 months has been so hard to realize she isn't here. It sometimes feels so weird not getting up in the middle of the night for those feedings, and not having the baby stuff all over, but it's hitting more and more everyday which I know has to happen eventually. So I'm just dealing with it the best I can. It is almost like I finally get to a place I'm ok in and then something else hits and I'm at rock bottom again. But again, I know it all has to happen. Talking about her with family has helped so much, I LOVE talking about our baby girl. She is just as much my child and a part of us as our other beautiful babies. I will gladly talk about her and show pictures of her any second of the day. Yes I may cry, and it may make me sad, but she is still a part of our family and deserves to be shared with our loved ones as much as Mary, Kyle, Iyan, & Owyn are. And it has been great doing that. It is still so hard to see baby's, baby girls, but it has gotten a little easier. It is and never has been that I have been unhappy for anyone, it just has been very sad for me and hard to handle but I have been so thrilled for all of my loved ones that have been given such a miracle, because they truly are miracles. I pray that from here on out things get somewhat easier to handle this, and to handle getting through our future knowing that she will not be here beside us but watching over us instead. We love you Lucy Kate, always and forever apart of our family <3

Rememberance.

Oh my sweet Lucy Kate. Mommy just doesn't even know how I have made it this far. I think of you everyday. I wonder what you would look like, how big you would be, how much your sister and brothers would love you. Mommy is trying so hard to be strong. Mommy & Daddy are trying to teach Mary about the beautiful place you are in, and then we will your brothers when they are old enough to understand. I miss you my sweet baby, so much. I am so sorry I did not release your balloon on your due date. Mommy is trying so hard to just get a grip on reality and that is so hard to face that reality without you in it. My world feels incomplete without you in it, and it will never be complete again. I just pray that God begins to help me heal like He has Daddy, and everyone else.

Mommy & Mary made a little memorial for you. The angel reminds Mary of you so we put it up too. The candle we are going to burn in rememberance of you on yours & Daddy's birthday, and your due date. The heart was sent to us from a sweet friend of Mommy's, I love it so much. We love you sweet angel, always & forever you will be in our hearts.

The last few months.

Thank you to everyone for your support during this time in our lives.

Well, things have been hectic in our lives the last month or so. We have now moved from our old house into our new one. We love it here. We have a fenced in yard that the kids are able to go outside and play, safely, and we also have a screened in porch. Finally. It has helped me alot to be out of our old house. I knew it would help me, and thank goodness it has. In more ways then just with our sweet Lucy. We have a neighbor that has a 13,12, & 1 year old boys and a 9 year old little girl. They come over and play alot, and the kids love having them for neighbors.
I am still struggling. Thankfully the medicines are helping, and I hate being dependent on them but for now it is what it is and I am just accepting it and doing what I can and need to do to keep myself together for right now for my family. Every day I still think of Lucy. I wish so much she was here. I miss that newborn cry, and every time I hear it my body just cringes because I just wish so much it was my child crying. It seems to hit me alot more when I'm in the car. When the other kids are talking, laughing, crying... I wonder what it would be like hearing her with them. When I'm in the car I listen to "If You Could See Me Now" and watch the clouds, when I'm sitting at a stop sign or stop light. I think about my beautiful angel and just think of how peaceful things are for her, even if just for that moment things are peaceful for both of us. Then reality hits and I begin to hear the noises in the car again, and think of how blessed I am to be hearing those noises. Yes I want to hear the noises of Lucy as well, but that isn't how it is, and I am trying to find the strength, trust, & faith to be able to pick up the pieces and move forward. My kids, and my husband need me. I am doing the best that I can. It may not be where everyone else thinks I should be, but it is where I am at and that is best I can do. I am still saddened to hear Mary ask about a baby sister, and to hear Owyn say there is a baby in Mommy's tummy. But they are part of this journey and I am learning day by day to accept it.

There has been so many changes in our lives since the day we lost Lucy. To many details to get into and most of them are miniscual in comparision. I ask for prayers for our family still. We are growing stronger by the day, I feel this move was good for us. It has given us a fresh new start. But still so many things happening in our lives, that we just need the prayers. God knows our needs.

Thank you to everyone for being here for us. I will try to get back into a habit of writing in here, it truly did help. Things had just gotten so crazy I couldn't do it. Thank you :)

It's been awhile.

Where her things are kept.

We & I have had alot the last few weeks and been crazy busy so I have not been able to post.

On my due date 4-6-12 I packed away all of Lucy's things. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I put her very special things in the box I recieved from some wonderful women in my life, including her easter dress, her coming home outfit, and an outfit Mary had specifically picked out for her and I believe that was the hardest one to pack away. I know how much Mary wanted to see her in that outfit. I packed away her u/s pictures her booties and mittens I bought for the hospital. It was so hard to put those things away and say goodbye to them. But I know where they are if I ever want to see them.

On Easter Sunday God gave me one of the greatest blessings. I was able to hold it together when I saw the babies and baby pictures, it was very hard but I did it. But when I walked into the church I saw my dad and my sister sitting there. I needed them more that day then I could ever say. I made it through the day but it was incredibly hard to do so. But I did.

A couple nights later I had a 2 1/2 conversation with my father. I can't explain the conversation, or what it did for me but it has helped me come to a different place in my life. I still hurt, and I miss my sweet angel so very much. I know she is ok, I know our family will be ok. And it will take a while for us all to come to a place where we are at peace with the loss of our daughter & sister but I know one day we will.

We love you Lucy Kate and will miss you forever.

Looking into my soul.

Our beautiful princess Lucy, all dressed in pink :) She looked beautiful!

I had an extremely long in depth talk with my mom a few days and for some reason after the converstaion with her I felt so relieved and alot of anger released and was beginning to feel that I could start making some baby steps into this world. And now we have almost reached my due date...it is so hard. I know what better place then to be in Heaven for Easter right? But I wish so much she was here. I wish she was going to wear the Easter dress I had already picked out for her. I bet she would have looked so very beautiful in her purple flower Easter dress. I am in a bit of a better place then I was, but it is still a struggle. However, I have not spent my last few days thinking only of her and crying all day. it has been a struggle, and will continue to be. But I have started to appreicate the little things with my kids again. My eyes have been opened that I am not the only one that this is happened too in the world, but that it also affects a family more then anyone could realize until you've been through it. Our family is different now, we don't know and may never know why God took our precious angel and turned our worlds upside down but for some reason he saw fit. There is alot of decisions that alot of my family was trying to decide and things that were trying to be accomplished, maybe God was trying to prove something to us...maybe that thing was that nothing is in our control, everything is in His. Maybe he was trying to prove that to me. I have been praying and pushing for some changes in our lives and nothing ever worked out the way *I* intended, so maybe He was trying to tell me something. Please do not get me wrong, I would not have traded her life for any of those decisions/answers for a split second, but again it isn't *MY* choice. I am still struggling that God saw fit to take her home to be with Him again, but I KNOW she is the happiest she could ever be. If I start to think of my beautiful little Angel I look at the clouds and imagine her running on the clouds and jumping over clouds and chasing rainbows and swinging on swingsets, it helps so very much. When I imagine that it gives me the greatest feeling in the world to know she could be having that much fun, she's doing it while Mommy can't see her ;) I feel I am taking "baby steps" into this world again, and without the amazing family, friends, & God I have I wouldn't be able to do it. So thank you. Thank you for supporting me, thank you for listening to me whine, thank you for being here for my family during the absolute most difficult part of our lives. Thank you <3

Mission.

I just do not even know how to begin or where to begin. I have been trying so hard to move past this and TRY to atleast pretend to be happy for the sake of my family, & friends but I haven't been doing such a good job. I have been on a journey with myself looking deep inside at how I'm truly feeling about loosing my daughter. I have found that I am flat out angry. I have not been able to say this out loud. But now I am. I am angry with God for taking my daughter away, I don't care why, I don't care what His plan is, I don't care why He needed her with him. I needed her here with me, I needed and wanted to be a mother to her. Her brothers, but especially her sister wanted her here. With all that I have been through in my life I have believed that there was a reason and God had a plan for my life, but this, this I do not understand why He would allow to happen. My pregnancy with her was by far the hardest out of all of them and I do not believe anyone will ever understand exactly how bad it was on my body, and then at the end of it instead of bringing home a baby I brought home memories and ashes. I don't want to go through this, I do not know how to go through this. I feel completely alone in all of it. My kids are my world, and I almost lost one and then not even a month later I did lose one. How does a mother survive that? Why would God allow a mother to go through that? Why did He have to take my little girl? Everyone keeps saying I have 4 beautiful blessings, and I do but really I have 5, and I should have had 5 here physically with me but instead for some reason God chose to take one of them back home to be with Him. I can not explain the ache and hurt of loosing a child. Some days I feel as though my heart is just not beating, and like I am suffocating. It is so hard to know I will go the rest of my life without my out my little girl, not be able to see her grow, not be able to see her interact with her siblings, and not know what type of person she would have grown up to be. I am trying to find a way to release this anger, because I know deep down that it IS part of God's plan and it always has been. I just wish so much that it wasn't part of His plan for my family and that our sweet Lucy Kate was here with us to enjoy this life.

Helping Others.

I have been keeping myself rather busy the last week or so but now today it is all catching up with me. I had a day of grieving and stressfulness today. Whenever is I grieve everthing stresses me out even more. I hate it :( I that it stresses me out so much and then I take it out on my family. They don't deserve it. So I am trying to find a way to control it and make myself stop and realize what I am doing before it happens.
This week we found out that my husbands store will be closing, which I knew was coming sooner rather then later but he didn't believe me! So he was given 4 options but he is now looking further into 2 of them, 1 of which I am really hoping works out. But with alll of this will be bringing lots of changes to our family. And I can not wait to see what God has in store for us. Something is happening to be turning our worlds upside down the last couple of months so I can not wait to see what it is.
As for our sweet Lucy, I do not know if I mentioned already or not but I wanting to learn crochet and I would love to give them the hospitals for families that suffer this loss. If our hospital would not have had the blanket and hat for our sweet Lucy we would have nothing tangable to hold onto for our sweet angel. So I truly hope this is something I can pick up on and do, even if it's not many I can do or perfect I hope with all of my heart I can do something. I just want to do something to help others. There apparently has been more of this happening then anyone is aware of. So I want to find someway, something to do to help.

Been a few days.

One day my sweet precious angel we will hold you again.
I love you will all of my heart.

It has been a few days since I have written, not only was I unsure of what to write about but we have been very busy. We went to a place that my husbands family has gone too for years and we had a wonderful time but the whole time I was watching the kids play I kept thinking of my sweet Lucy and how she would never see that amazing place, and play with her siblings and cousins and Grandma and Papa, and all the aunts and uncles. I wanted her so badly to see that place, and share that place with her . But as I sat watching God's creation I realized that she was in a far better place and one day we will share it with her. But that does not make it any easier. It doesn't make what we are going through easier to handle. We want her here. We want to share everything with her. I know people mean well when they  say she is in a better place, and happier then she ever could have been here on Earth, but that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't help as her parents to think that there is anyone that could take care and love her more then we could. WE KNOW she is loved more and taken care of more then she ever could have been  here on Earth. The way I've been feeling and explaining is this... you know the feeling of missing your kids even when they are away from you for a long enough to run to the store (atleast I do, as I'm sure most mothers do) it's that missing feeling times a trillion. That is the only way I can explain this, the only way I know how to put it into words. She was a part of our family already, even though she was only in my tummy. She was a new little person coming into our lives, into our worlds and was going to better our family. We were being blessed one more time. It isn't as if we had just found out and had an early miscarriage, we were weeks away from having her safely in our arms. She was a little person, that we were all beginning to connect with and imagine being here with us. It isn't just something that we are all going to get over. I especially. I do not want to leave the house, I do not want to see anyone. Every time I see anyone I see the look in their eyes, that they just do not know what to say, and the sadness. I know there is nothing anyone can say to comfort this kind of pain. Prayers and thoughts, mean more then anything right now. I am trying everyday to build my strength in myself, in God's plan, and that we will make it through this but it is very difficult to do. I am struggling alot more then I thought I was. I just want my daughter, I want to hold her, and I want to tell her I love her more then anything.

Maybe one day.

I lost a little piece of myself with you on this day.
I love you with all of my heart, Lucy Kate.

I feel like I am not moving forward. I feel like I am stuck in this place of darkeness and sadness and everyone, everyone around me is moving forward. I don't want to be sad, and angry. I want to be happy again, I feel selfish for not being happy for myself and my family. And I am so blessed to have the children God has blessed with me, there are so many women that can not conceive. I am trying so hard to find my joy and happiness again. I try everyday to find one thing that I feel so blessed to have, other then my children. It is the hardest thing to do right now. Loosing a child, can cause you to loose so much of yourself and the trust you have in yourself as a parent. I love my children with every bit of my heart. They are my world and to have one of them ripped away, I feel as though my I am suffocating and my heart weighs as much as a brick. I see all this happiness around me, so many people with so much happiness in their lives and I know I have it in my life but trying to find that again after a loss like this, I do not know that I will ever have that happiness again. Atleast right now it feels like I never will. It takes everything I have to get through the day, EVERYTHING. If I could curl up in bed and stay there all day everyday I would. My children and my amazing husband are the only things that help me get from moment to moment. I just have to find a way to be happy and at peace with all that has happened in my life. We have had a lot of trials and we have managed to make it through them. But this, this feels nearly impossible. I feel the weakest I have every felt in my life. All I think about is Lucy, all I want to think about is Lucy, but at the same time when I think about her all I want to do is cry. She was absolutely amazing, beautiful, & perfect. I have to come to terms with her not being her, and that she is amazing, beautiful, & perfect and with our creator. And I know the only way for me to heal is to believe that, but I don't want to believe it, I want my daughter back in my arms. I am trying to find the way to move forward. To get the motivation to do anything, leave my house, make a phone call, anything...but I just do not care right now. I just do not know how to loose a child and move forward as everything is ok. It is so hard to move forward. I feel empty inside.

If You Could See Me Now

Daddy & I will hold you again one day my littlest lovebug, my beautiful angel Lucy Kate.
I imagine everyday you running and playing on the clouds, and looking over your brothers and sister.
I love you with all of my heart.

If you could see me now...you'd see joy and laughter in my eyes
I'm swinging on a swing set in the sky...No you wouldn't cry
If you could see me now...every single tear would be erased
By the love that shines on Jesus' face...oh what a place

... I never played with my brothers and my sisters in the yard
I never was rocked to sleep in my mother's arms
But the arms that hold me are the same arms that made me
I know you miss me...I wish you could see your baby.

If you could see me now...
Even though you are looking through a broken heart
You wouldn't bring me back to where you are..
I'm dancing on a star

If you could see me now...
We're all eating cake and ice cream
Oops I got some chocolate on my wings
It's a party just for me.

Daddy will you read a bedtime story sometimes just for me
Mama I'll come and see you now and then in your dreams
So don't waste another moment worrying about what might've been
Jesus loves me and you know I'm with Him

If you could see me now I'd tell you
That you're up here way too soon
And God still has some things for you to do
And I'll see you when you're through


This is my prayer for Lucy & us.
I wish so much I could do these things with you Lucy Kate, but I have hope that I will one day. I love you with all of my heart.

My Sweet Lucy Kate.

Dear Lucy,
I love you my precious baby, more then anything in this world. I wish so much that you were here with us, living this life as the little sister to your brothers and sister. Being our daughter, the completion to our family. We all miss you so very much. I would give anything to hold you in my arms and love on you, and hear your first cry and your first little smirk and giggle. You were wanted so much in our family, you will always be in our hearts and the beautiful baby sister that was taken to soon. My prayer for you is that you are dancing on the clouds and being celebrated for the beautiful little angel that we know you are. I struggle so much with the loss of my 2nd beautiful daughter, I struggle so much that it was all part of God's plan for you and our family, but I am trying to come to peace with it and know that you are happier and more loved then you ever could have been here on Earth. It is so hard to think that anyone could love you more then Daddy or I could but I KNOW that our creator, our Heavenly Father loves you more then I ever could. I am so proud to be your Mommy and call you my daughter. I am so thankful God blessed us with you, even for just a short while. It is so hard to move forward without you, so hard to know that you will not be here everyday to watch you grow and see the joys in life. I will miss you for everday of my life, my heart will ache for you for all the days of my life. I will make it through this, one moment at a time I will make it, for you and your brothers and sister. I pray that God gives us peace with loosing you, I pray that he gives your sister peace with loosing her little sister that she wanted so badly. I wish so much that things were different, I wish so much that you were coming soon to be apart of our family. I do not think I will ever not wonder what life would have been like with you here, I will always think about you. My heart will ache for you forever. I want to live life for you, I pray that one day at a time I can start to live more, and live for you and your sister and brothers. I love you, I love you with all of my heart, I miss you with all of my heart. I can never say enough how much I love you and miss you.



My beautiful princess. I love you Lucy Kate, with all of my heart.

love,
your mommy for life.

Faith.

I will hold you again my beautiful angel.
 I love you Lucy Kate, with all of my heart.

My faith has always been something I have struggled with. Not not believing but having enough faith and trust that God will pull me through whatever trials he may throw my way. With Mary we had the struggle of being told we needed to abort and she wouldn't survive very long after birth, but we had FAITH through the entire pregnancy and now she is a healthy beautiful smart 8 year old. When I had my 2 miscarriages in 2005 I also had to find my faith again, why God would take those two children from me. That took a great deal out of me, trying to find my faith, and trust that this was all part of a bigger plan then I could ever imagine. The I got pregnant with Kyleman and had to find that FAITH and trust again, that I wouldn't loose him too and then with him being born profoundly deaf in both ears, I struggled greatly through that, where my FAITH was and that God would pull us through and how could he give me a child with special needs. But, I found my FAITH and he pulled us through and now, I would not trade our Kyleman for anything in this world and I would not change anything about him. With Iyan he was perfect all the way through the pregnancy but I again had to have FAITH that everything would be, after everything with Mary, Kyle, & our 2 miscarriages. And then after he was born his umbilical cord had been tight so around his waist that he had a lot of fluid build up and was white from his waist down and for almost 2 wks fought a fever with him of over 100, and he was colicky. I again had to lean on that FAITH that he would be ok and the fever would go away, and it soon did. Then we had our last son, Owyn. I again had to have that FAITH that I would not loose him and he would be ok, and he was. He was perfect, but on Dec 27, 2011 we almost lost him. He had a seizure, and was lifeless. I had to do cpr on him until the ambulance got here. I was scared to death that I was going to loose my son, but I had FAITH that he would ok. Then we got pregnant with our sweet Lucy. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with her my faith was completely tested. I had so many things come up during my pregnancy, health wise for myself, that I had to have faith and trust it was all in God's hands and that her and I would be ok. I thought that having enough FAITH AND TRUST that she would be ok, that she would be here with us to share this life with her. But I have come to find that that is not always enough. That you can have all the FAITH in the world in God not allowing horrible things to happen to you, but if it is in His plan then it will happen regardless of how much FAITH AND TRUST you have. It isn't about having FAITH AND TRUST that He will not allow them to happen, it is about having the FAITH AND TRUST that He will pull you through, that he wants you to lean on him during those times. So I am back to that point of trying to find my FAITH AND TRUST again. At this moment I feel like I have no faith or trust at all, I do not understand how this could be part of a bigger plan, how this in some way can be to the good of our Heavenly Father. How giving us this precious gift and then ripping her away can be a good thing in His journey for us. I KNOW deep in my heart that it is His plan, I know that her life meant something and there was a reason we were chosen to be her mommy & daddy, and I would not trade those few months I had being blessed to be her mommy for anything. I want my daughter back, I want to hold her and love her. I want to feel those kicks and hiccups again. But I am trying to find that FAITH AND TRUST that she is in her makers arms and every time I think of her He is hugging her and kissing her for me.  I would give anything to hold her again, and I know that one day I will. I know this all in my heart, but in my head I am trying to figure out how to cope with it. Because I do feel alone, I do feel God has abandoned me, I do feel God took my daughter away and I do not understand why. I want to know why me, when she was wanted so badly. But I just keep praying that He will help me come to peace with it, help me find my FAITH AND TRUST in Him again, and to lean on Him in my time of need. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life and I need that FAITH AND TRUST now more then ever.

Counselor.

My husband and I saw a counselor this morning. She too has had a loss, at 5 months. It did help a little to have someone that has been through this to be able to talk openly with. But no one I know has had a loss so far into the pregnancy. We were so close, so close to holding her, so close to having her with our family. So close to being a complete family, and it was just ripped away. Why? Why me? Why us? Why did she have to be taken away? What was the purpose of blessing us in such an incredible way and then ripping all of that happiness and joy from us? I just wish I knew why. I wish I knew why her life was brought to us, and why it had to be cut so short. Why give her to us just to be taken away? Why give her to the sister that wanted her so very badly just to rip her away? That guilt is eating me alive. The guilt that my daughter has been disappointed so much. I want so badly to give her that sister that her heart desires. But I just do not know about it. I want so badly to be pregnant again, NOT right now...ok maybe a little right now if I am being totally honest. Not in anyway to replace Lucy because I could never ever ever ever do that, but I feel it would help me heal. But I am scared about my health if I do, I am scared of what it would do to my family with all that I go through, and mostly I am scared of loosing another child. I do not know that I could survive another loss like this. It is too great. So I guess we shall see what the future holds. I just pray that whatever it may be that it has peace for our family, peace for my heart. Never will I forget you my sweet beautiful amazing little Lucy Kate, you will have my heart forever. I love you, so very much and will think of you ever moment of every day.

You will hold my hand forever my littlest lovebug, my angel through this journey of your loss
you will help me through. I love you Lucy Kate, with all of my heart.

Missing link.

I feel like my heart is in a tiny million little pieces. I don't know how to begin to pick up the pieces. I feel like there is no way to find myself again after this. I will never be the same, I know that, my heart will never be whole again, it will never be completely healed. Lucy will always be that missing link in my heart, in our family, in every picture, in every memory she will be that missing link. The thought of moving forward without her just seems impossible. The thought that she will never be here, that we will never see her grow up still seems so surreal. I feel like I am living in some sort of nightmare. Because this is my worst nightmare come true. Loosing one of my children in any way is my absolute worst nightmare. I KNOW that I have to pick up the pieces somehow for the sake of my family, but how to do that, where to begin...I have no idea. How do I make myself move forward without my whole heart? How do I move forward without our missing link? I know that my kids deserve my all, I just don't know how to do that right now. I don't know how to take them out and not fall apart every time I see a pregnant woman or baby. How do I pick up where I left off with family and friends that are having babies? How do I face them, and not totally loose it and make them feel like they've done something wrong? I do not want anyone to feel that way. I am so excited for everyone that I know that is having their beautiful bundles and I would not wish this pain on anyone. But it will be so hard to face them, so hard to face those beautiful babies and watch them grow knowing that I will never get to see our beautiful Lucy Kate grow. And I know most people think that most people would understand me not being ready, but there are some people who do not understand, and unless you have been through such an incredibly painful loss you would not understand, and again I would not wish that on ANYONE. But if you are going to love someone through something like this and are a true friend then you would understand that I love you all and that when I am at some sort of peace with the loss of my beautiful bundle then I will do everything I can to try to be a better friend, and be there to watch your children grow. And through them I will hopefully be able to see that little bit of Lucy that I will forever miss, and I can imagine even for just a second that she would be doing those things as well. I pray with all of my heart that I will remember the feeling of her kicking me and her little hiccups forever. That connection that I had with her, even if it wasn't in my arms. I remember those last hiccups as if they were happening now, it was the Saturday night before we lost her. It was after Mary's birthday party and I had a horrific migraine and could not sleep at all that night, and every night it never failed between 1 & 2 am she would get the hiccups, I would give anything to be awoken by those again, anything. But I pray that I always remember that, so that I have some memory with her, some memory to share with her brothers and sister when they are older.
I know that it may not really be this way, but it seems as though all around me I see women having these beautiful babies. Most of them were wanted but then some I know were not wanted or atleast not right now and they are each having their babies and they are beautiful and healthy, but yet mine was ripped away. And I for the life of me will never understand why mine had to be taken away. But again I would not wish this pain on anyone, so I guess I just have to bare it. And it all sounds so selfish but it is how I feel. My children are my world, if they hurt I hurt one million times worse, and I know Lucy is not hurting but Mary is, so very much and knowing that she will grow up without her sister, I can't express the pain I carry for her. Knowing that I will carry this kind of pain until the day I die, I do not know how I will manage. I nor anyone in my family has ever experienced this kind of pain, and I don't know how to bare it, I don't know how to cope. I know it is said with time it gets easier, so far it has just gotten worse. I do not handle hurt well, at all, I wear my heart on my sleeve and put my whole into everything I do and love, and I already had with Lucy and she was taken from me, from us. I was trying so hard to be strong, and get through this but I can't. I can't do it alone. And even with the amazing support we have, I still feel so alone, completely alone. No one had made the connection with her yet, as I had, which I am thankful for because I would not want my family to feel this pain to the extent I am but yet I don't want to feel so alone. 

My beautiful Lucy Kate, rest in peace my littlest lovebug, my angel.
 I love you with all of my heart.

I had a dream a couple nights ago where I was chasing her in this meadow and all I could see was the back of her, I could not see her face at all, and all I kept saying was " that I wanted to hug her and kiss her" and I could hear her laughing but I couldn't catch up to her. It was my worst nightmare yet. And it was exactly that because I was so sad that I could not do that in person, and that I will never be able too, and that is all I want at this moment. I woke up crying from that dream, and haven't stopped since. I go to bed crying, I wake up crying, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her. I pray that one day this will get easier, I pray that one day my heart, and my family does not hurt so much but right now I do not see that day in sight. I am trying to have faith, I truly am but that is so incredibly hard when I can not for the life of me figure out why this had to happen to us. I love my family so much and I wish so much we were not going through this pain. I can never express that enough, I can never express enough how much I want my daughter back and think this is so unfair and we were so very close to having her here and how much it hurts that she will not be here with us. I love you Lucy Kate with all of my heart, you will forever be that missing link.