If You Could See Me Now

Daddy & I will hold you again one day my littlest lovebug, my beautiful angel Lucy Kate.
I imagine everyday you running and playing on the clouds, and looking over your brothers and sister.
I love you with all of my heart.

If you could see me now...you'd see joy and laughter in my eyes
I'm swinging on a swing set in the sky...No you wouldn't cry
If you could see me now...every single tear would be erased
By the love that shines on Jesus' face...oh what a place

... I never played with my brothers and my sisters in the yard
I never was rocked to sleep in my mother's arms
But the arms that hold me are the same arms that made me
I know you miss me...I wish you could see your baby.

If you could see me now...
Even though you are looking through a broken heart
You wouldn't bring me back to where you are..
I'm dancing on a star

If you could see me now...
We're all eating cake and ice cream
Oops I got some chocolate on my wings
It's a party just for me.

Daddy will you read a bedtime story sometimes just for me
Mama I'll come and see you now and then in your dreams
So don't waste another moment worrying about what might've been
Jesus loves me and you know I'm with Him

If you could see me now I'd tell you
That you're up here way too soon
And God still has some things for you to do
And I'll see you when you're through


This is my prayer for Lucy & us.
I wish so much I could do these things with you Lucy Kate, but I have hope that I will one day. I love you with all of my heart.

My Sweet Lucy Kate.

Dear Lucy,
I love you my precious baby, more then anything in this world. I wish so much that you were here with us, living this life as the little sister to your brothers and sister. Being our daughter, the completion to our family. We all miss you so very much. I would give anything to hold you in my arms and love on you, and hear your first cry and your first little smirk and giggle. You were wanted so much in our family, you will always be in our hearts and the beautiful baby sister that was taken to soon. My prayer for you is that you are dancing on the clouds and being celebrated for the beautiful little angel that we know you are. I struggle so much with the loss of my 2nd beautiful daughter, I struggle so much that it was all part of God's plan for you and our family, but I am trying to come to peace with it and know that you are happier and more loved then you ever could have been here on Earth. It is so hard to think that anyone could love you more then Daddy or I could but I KNOW that our creator, our Heavenly Father loves you more then I ever could. I am so proud to be your Mommy and call you my daughter. I am so thankful God blessed us with you, even for just a short while. It is so hard to move forward without you, so hard to know that you will not be here everyday to watch you grow and see the joys in life. I will miss you for everday of my life, my heart will ache for you for all the days of my life. I will make it through this, one moment at a time I will make it, for you and your brothers and sister. I pray that God gives us peace with loosing you, I pray that he gives your sister peace with loosing her little sister that she wanted so badly. I wish so much that things were different, I wish so much that you were coming soon to be apart of our family. I do not think I will ever not wonder what life would have been like with you here, I will always think about you. My heart will ache for you forever. I want to live life for you, I pray that one day at a time I can start to live more, and live for you and your sister and brothers. I love you, I love you with all of my heart, I miss you with all of my heart. I can never say enough how much I love you and miss you.



My beautiful princess. I love you Lucy Kate, with all of my heart.

love,
your mommy for life.

Faith.

I will hold you again my beautiful angel.
 I love you Lucy Kate, with all of my heart.

My faith has always been something I have struggled with. Not not believing but having enough faith and trust that God will pull me through whatever trials he may throw my way. With Mary we had the struggle of being told we needed to abort and she wouldn't survive very long after birth, but we had FAITH through the entire pregnancy and now she is a healthy beautiful smart 8 year old. When I had my 2 miscarriages in 2005 I also had to find my faith again, why God would take those two children from me. That took a great deal out of me, trying to find my faith, and trust that this was all part of a bigger plan then I could ever imagine. The I got pregnant with Kyleman and had to find that FAITH and trust again, that I wouldn't loose him too and then with him being born profoundly deaf in both ears, I struggled greatly through that, where my FAITH was and that God would pull us through and how could he give me a child with special needs. But, I found my FAITH and he pulled us through and now, I would not trade our Kyleman for anything in this world and I would not change anything about him. With Iyan he was perfect all the way through the pregnancy but I again had to have FAITH that everything would be, after everything with Mary, Kyle, & our 2 miscarriages. And then after he was born his umbilical cord had been tight so around his waist that he had a lot of fluid build up and was white from his waist down and for almost 2 wks fought a fever with him of over 100, and he was colicky. I again had to lean on that FAITH that he would be ok and the fever would go away, and it soon did. Then we had our last son, Owyn. I again had to have that FAITH that I would not loose him and he would be ok, and he was. He was perfect, but on Dec 27, 2011 we almost lost him. He had a seizure, and was lifeless. I had to do cpr on him until the ambulance got here. I was scared to death that I was going to loose my son, but I had FAITH that he would ok. Then we got pregnant with our sweet Lucy. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with her my faith was completely tested. I had so many things come up during my pregnancy, health wise for myself, that I had to have faith and trust it was all in God's hands and that her and I would be ok. I thought that having enough FAITH AND TRUST that she would be ok, that she would be here with us to share this life with her. But I have come to find that that is not always enough. That you can have all the FAITH in the world in God not allowing horrible things to happen to you, but if it is in His plan then it will happen regardless of how much FAITH AND TRUST you have. It isn't about having FAITH AND TRUST that He will not allow them to happen, it is about having the FAITH AND TRUST that He will pull you through, that he wants you to lean on him during those times. So I am back to that point of trying to find my FAITH AND TRUST again. At this moment I feel like I have no faith or trust at all, I do not understand how this could be part of a bigger plan, how this in some way can be to the good of our Heavenly Father. How giving us this precious gift and then ripping her away can be a good thing in His journey for us. I KNOW deep in my heart that it is His plan, I know that her life meant something and there was a reason we were chosen to be her mommy & daddy, and I would not trade those few months I had being blessed to be her mommy for anything. I want my daughter back, I want to hold her and love her. I want to feel those kicks and hiccups again. But I am trying to find that FAITH AND TRUST that she is in her makers arms and every time I think of her He is hugging her and kissing her for me.  I would give anything to hold her again, and I know that one day I will. I know this all in my heart, but in my head I am trying to figure out how to cope with it. Because I do feel alone, I do feel God has abandoned me, I do feel God took my daughter away and I do not understand why. I want to know why me, when she was wanted so badly. But I just keep praying that He will help me come to peace with it, help me find my FAITH AND TRUST in Him again, and to lean on Him in my time of need. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life and I need that FAITH AND TRUST now more then ever.

Counselor.

My husband and I saw a counselor this morning. She too has had a loss, at 5 months. It did help a little to have someone that has been through this to be able to talk openly with. But no one I know has had a loss so far into the pregnancy. We were so close, so close to holding her, so close to having her with our family. So close to being a complete family, and it was just ripped away. Why? Why me? Why us? Why did she have to be taken away? What was the purpose of blessing us in such an incredible way and then ripping all of that happiness and joy from us? I just wish I knew why. I wish I knew why her life was brought to us, and why it had to be cut so short. Why give her to us just to be taken away? Why give her to the sister that wanted her so very badly just to rip her away? That guilt is eating me alive. The guilt that my daughter has been disappointed so much. I want so badly to give her that sister that her heart desires. But I just do not know about it. I want so badly to be pregnant again, NOT right now...ok maybe a little right now if I am being totally honest. Not in anyway to replace Lucy because I could never ever ever ever do that, but I feel it would help me heal. But I am scared about my health if I do, I am scared of what it would do to my family with all that I go through, and mostly I am scared of loosing another child. I do not know that I could survive another loss like this. It is too great. So I guess we shall see what the future holds. I just pray that whatever it may be that it has peace for our family, peace for my heart. Never will I forget you my sweet beautiful amazing little Lucy Kate, you will have my heart forever. I love you, so very much and will think of you ever moment of every day.

You will hold my hand forever my littlest lovebug, my angel through this journey of your loss
you will help me through. I love you Lucy Kate, with all of my heart.

Missing link.

I feel like my heart is in a tiny million little pieces. I don't know how to begin to pick up the pieces. I feel like there is no way to find myself again after this. I will never be the same, I know that, my heart will never be whole again, it will never be completely healed. Lucy will always be that missing link in my heart, in our family, in every picture, in every memory she will be that missing link. The thought of moving forward without her just seems impossible. The thought that she will never be here, that we will never see her grow up still seems so surreal. I feel like I am living in some sort of nightmare. Because this is my worst nightmare come true. Loosing one of my children in any way is my absolute worst nightmare. I KNOW that I have to pick up the pieces somehow for the sake of my family, but how to do that, where to begin...I have no idea. How do I make myself move forward without my whole heart? How do I move forward without our missing link? I know that my kids deserve my all, I just don't know how to do that right now. I don't know how to take them out and not fall apart every time I see a pregnant woman or baby. How do I pick up where I left off with family and friends that are having babies? How do I face them, and not totally loose it and make them feel like they've done something wrong? I do not want anyone to feel that way. I am so excited for everyone that I know that is having their beautiful bundles and I would not wish this pain on anyone. But it will be so hard to face them, so hard to face those beautiful babies and watch them grow knowing that I will never get to see our beautiful Lucy Kate grow. And I know most people think that most people would understand me not being ready, but there are some people who do not understand, and unless you have been through such an incredibly painful loss you would not understand, and again I would not wish that on ANYONE. But if you are going to love someone through something like this and are a true friend then you would understand that I love you all and that when I am at some sort of peace with the loss of my beautiful bundle then I will do everything I can to try to be a better friend, and be there to watch your children grow. And through them I will hopefully be able to see that little bit of Lucy that I will forever miss, and I can imagine even for just a second that she would be doing those things as well. I pray with all of my heart that I will remember the feeling of her kicking me and her little hiccups forever. That connection that I had with her, even if it wasn't in my arms. I remember those last hiccups as if they were happening now, it was the Saturday night before we lost her. It was after Mary's birthday party and I had a horrific migraine and could not sleep at all that night, and every night it never failed between 1 & 2 am she would get the hiccups, I would give anything to be awoken by those again, anything. But I pray that I always remember that, so that I have some memory with her, some memory to share with her brothers and sister when they are older.
I know that it may not really be this way, but it seems as though all around me I see women having these beautiful babies. Most of them were wanted but then some I know were not wanted or atleast not right now and they are each having their babies and they are beautiful and healthy, but yet mine was ripped away. And I for the life of me will never understand why mine had to be taken away. But again I would not wish this pain on anyone, so I guess I just have to bare it. And it all sounds so selfish but it is how I feel. My children are my world, if they hurt I hurt one million times worse, and I know Lucy is not hurting but Mary is, so very much and knowing that she will grow up without her sister, I can't express the pain I carry for her. Knowing that I will carry this kind of pain until the day I die, I do not know how I will manage. I nor anyone in my family has ever experienced this kind of pain, and I don't know how to bare it, I don't know how to cope. I know it is said with time it gets easier, so far it has just gotten worse. I do not handle hurt well, at all, I wear my heart on my sleeve and put my whole into everything I do and love, and I already had with Lucy and she was taken from me, from us. I was trying so hard to be strong, and get through this but I can't. I can't do it alone. And even with the amazing support we have, I still feel so alone, completely alone. No one had made the connection with her yet, as I had, which I am thankful for because I would not want my family to feel this pain to the extent I am but yet I don't want to feel so alone. 

My beautiful Lucy Kate, rest in peace my littlest lovebug, my angel.
 I love you with all of my heart.

I had a dream a couple nights ago where I was chasing her in this meadow and all I could see was the back of her, I could not see her face at all, and all I kept saying was " that I wanted to hug her and kiss her" and I could hear her laughing but I couldn't catch up to her. It was my worst nightmare yet. And it was exactly that because I was so sad that I could not do that in person, and that I will never be able too, and that is all I want at this moment. I woke up crying from that dream, and haven't stopped since. I go to bed crying, I wake up crying, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her. I pray that one day this will get easier, I pray that one day my heart, and my family does not hurt so much but right now I do not see that day in sight. I am trying to have faith, I truly am but that is so incredibly hard when I can not for the life of me figure out why this had to happen to us. I love my family so much and I wish so much we were not going through this pain. I can never express that enough, I can never express enough how much I want my daughter back and think this is so unfair and we were so very close to having her here and how much it hurts that she will not be here with us. I love you Lucy Kate with all of my heart, you will forever be that missing link.

Just need to write...

I believe this was that moment for me, when I realized the situation I was truly in.
And that my little girl would not be coming home with us. I love you Lucy Kate, with all of my heart.

I just don't even know what to write about today. All I can think is how much I miss her and how much I want her back and how unfair this is. She should be here, she should be here with her family. We should not know such pain and sadness. I have been trying so hard to be ok and be strong for my husband and children, but I'm not ok, I'm not ok at all. I want to curl up in bed and just stay there. But I can't, I have 4 other little people that depend on me. But yet they also depended on me to bring their sister here, and I was unable to do that.  I was unable to protect her, and keep her happy and healthy until she should have been born. And now I have to live with that. How does one live that? How does a mother survive that? How does a mother survive such loss? How does a family survive such loss? How does a couple survive such loss? Everywhere I turn I am reminded of that loss, I reminded of our sweet Lucy and that she will not be coming in April. She will not be here to play with her brothers and sister. We will not get to watch her grow, and see the joy and happiness in her eyes that we get to see in our other children. We will not hear her first words, get to see her first steps, get to see her jump for joy over seeing the Christmas lights on the house or the tree, we will not get to see her learn how to go down the slide, or jump on the trampoline with her friends, we will never see her going to her first day of school, or make friends. I will never hold my sweet Lucy and hear her cry, or be able to squeeze her so tight because I can not contain the love I have for her. And right now I can squeeze anything tight enough to release this pain that I have for the loss of her. No matter how hard I try I can not release it. I can not release the thoughts of what should have been, and just enjoy the now and how blessed I am now. I can not release the guilt for the hurt that has been caused to my family. I can not release the hurt that has been caused to myself. All I have ever wanted in this world was to be a mother, and for some reason my magic number was 6. Once the first came along, I knew that being a mother was what I was meant to do with my life. Getting to watch them grow and love and see that joy in their eyes, it is what life is all about for me. And now here I sit loosing one of those beautiful treasures, and loosing all that I longed to see in her as she grew. I feel like my heart is in my throat and I am suffocating. I feel as though I can not breathe, smile, laugh, or love with all of my heart. Every time I open my eyes I see a reminder, every time I close my eyes I see my sweet angel and I honestly do not know which hurts more. Every time I see those reminders I want nothing more then to have her here and not have reminders but memories made with her. Every time I see her face all I want is to kiss it, and feel the warmth of her forehead. But I will never have either. 

My heart.

My beautiful, precious, perfect Lucy Kate. I would do anything to be able to do this again. I love you with all my heart beautiful baby girl, and I am so sorry.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts more than I can bare. I feel so numb to everything. This is just not fair, I want my daughter back. I don't want to hurt like this anymore, I don't want to feel like such a disappointment to so many anymore. I feel like I have completely broken my daughters heart and I see her walking around with such sadness in her eyes. I want to see ALL of my children play together, I want to dress little Lucy in all the beautiful little clothes I had bought her, I want to swaddle her in the blankets we had gotten and snuggle her and kiss her little forehead, I want to watch her learn how to eat, I want to watch her grow and change everyday, I want wake up and feed her at 2am, I want to say her name and more happiness and love then I can bare instead of more sadness I can bare. I just do not understand why this happened. Why did WE have loose our beautiful baby girl. Why does any parent have to loose a child. I just keep replaying it over and over in my head the ultrasound tech saying "no honey I'm not" when I said "you're not finding a heartbeat are you?" I don't try to replay it, it just happens. I just knew dead down, I just did. I still can not believe I survived that moment, I do not know how I survived that moment. I miss being pregnant, I miss every.single.thing.about.it. I miss my baby. I should have been planning her arrival right now, because I always went early so I should be getting prepared for just in case. Next weekend was supposed to be my baby shower, instead I have no clue what I will be doing but I do know that I will be thinking of what I should have been doing. I should have been celebrating the new life that was to soon be coming. I should have been celebrating Lucy Kate joining our family. Instead I am stuck in this phase of life of trying to figure out what to do next, how to make it through the next hour, the next day, the next month. How to make it to my due date, how to make it through my due date. How to keep going out and seeing pregnant women, babies, baby stuff, hearing the name Lucy without completely loosing it. Every time I go anywhere something reminds me of what has happened, something reminds me of that loss, something reminds me that I am no longer pregnant, something reminds me that our sweet, precious, amazing, little Lucy will not be joining our family. If I could stay home I could, I would, but here everything reminds me of it too. I see the clothes that she was supposed to wear, I see the blankets she was supposed to be wrapped in, I see the crib she was supposed to sleep in, I walk into the room she was supposed to sleep in. I want to read her that bed time story, I want to tuck her in to her bed with those blankets, I want to put her in that crib and watch her sleep like I have with all of my other children. I want to be a mom to her, at this moment in time I want nothing more to be preparing to be a mom to our beautiful little Lucy Kate. All I keep thinking is how at every appointment they kept saying how absolutely perfect she was, she was absolutely so perfect...I guess when they say "too beautiful for Earth" it really is true. I just want to hold her, and love her, and kiss her...I just want to be her mom.

Birthdays.

Today is Owyn's 2nd birthday. I am so excited to be celebrating his birthday, I am so blessed to have him. Especially after what happened to us a month before we lost Lucy. But it reminds me that we will never be able to celebrate life WITH her. I will never be able to plan her first birthday party, I will never be able to plan her 5th birthday party, I will never be able to plan her sweet 16 party, her 21st birthday party. That makes me so sad. I was already thinking about her first birthday, how princessy it could be. How much fun it would be to plan a girly first birthday again. We will do something to celebrate her on her birthday, but I would give anything to plan those parties, and have the stresses of figuring out the theme, where to have it, who to invite. I would give anything to watch her grow up. I would give anything to watch her turn from a baby into a toddler and a toddler into a young child and from a young child into a teenager and from a teenager into a beautiful young woman. But I will never get to see that. I do not know how I will handle her birthday's passing each year without her here, I do not know how I will be able to see them pass every year knowing she should have been here to celebrate them. I wish so much she was here to see them and celebrate them by smashing cake all over her beautiful face on her first birthday, and seeing the excitement on her 2nd birthday when she blows out the candles the first time, and to take her to Disney for her 5th birthday like we have planned to do for the other kids. I pray that every year we have peace knowing how much she is being celebrated in Heaven. I pray that she knows how much we want her here to celebrate with. I never imagined I would have to say goodbye to one of my children, and have to face these things, but I have. I pray that I can find the peace and strength that I need for every birthday that passes. I love you my Lucy Kate, with all of my heart and Mommy would do anything in this world to be able to celebrate your birthdays with you, anything. I love you. 

Our beautiful Lucy Kate. How perfect she was. Held so perfect in Daddy's hands.

For my children.

I have spend the last two days with my husband at my sister & her boyfriend's house. I needed that time with my husband. I needed it to reconnect with my husband. After the loss we have had we needed to find that connection again. We needed to find "us" again. And I feel we have done that. We will never again be the same "us," we will never again be the same individuals that we once were, we will never again be the same family that we once were. Right now we feel the weakest we have ever been, but I feel that one day we will be the strongest our family could ever be because of us having been through such a tragedy. But I pray that we find a new happiness one day, and a new way to be a family. We will miss her for the rest of our lives, nothing will ever change that. But by the grace of God I truly hope we grow in our faith, and in our love and appreciation for one another. I know that she would want that, I know I want that. 

Today while we were away I got a lovebug tattoo. It is little, purple, and has 5 spots. It is purple to always remind me of the joy I had when I was carrying our angel, and it has 5 spots to remind me that I have 5 beautiful children. Some may not understand how a color could remind you of such a thing, but with each of my babies I have associated a color with them during the pregnancy. That color has so far stayed with them and that is the color of their blankets from their Aunt, and is usually a color the get alot of. With Lucy, her color was purple. Her Aunt was making her purple blanket, she had a lot of purple clothes, and everything I spotted in purple I just HAD to have for her. If I saw anything purple it would remind me of her. It would remind me that I was being blessed with not only another child but another beautiful princess, beautiful baby sister. This was a child that we as a family had prayed for, that I as a mother had prayed for for my daughter. That I prayed for for my boys. I wanted so badly for my daughter to experience that sister bond that I grew up experiencing. I got this tattoo to remind me of all of these things. And even though our precious angel will not be joining our family, she needs to be remembered for all that she was going to be. She was going to be a sister, a daughter, and she is a sister, and a daughter just not in earthly form. So for me this tattoo is to help me remember all that she is. It is placed on my chest, it is placed to symbolize what my heart holds. And that is the love for 5 amazing children, that are my world and will be until the day I die. 

Family

One of the greatest grandmothers to be blessed with.

I have the most amazing family. I have a mother and father who have stood by me & loved me through all of my rights & wrongs, I have a sister who has loved me through ALL of our fighting, and if you know us you know that's alot. I have amazing inlaws who have helped us so much and loved us even more through our entire marriage. I have grandparents that I am so thankful to still have to share life with today. I have numerous cousins, aunts, and uncles whom though we do not talk often are always in my thoughts and I know are there for us if we need them. I have been blessed with a husband that a girl really could only dream about. He loves me, is amazing to me, does everything he can to make me happy, works hard so that I may stay home to raise our children, and one of the biggest things is he has blessed me with my children. I have been blessed with 5 beautiful amazing children. Mary who is our oldest & 8, and the most amazing big sister and daughter that anyone could ask for. Kyle who is 5, has bilateral cochlear implants, an amazing big brother and son, and has retaught us about things in life that we seem to forget. Iyan who is 3, always keeps us on our toes, is an amazing big brother and son. Owyn who is 2 in just 3 days, a very smart little man, brother, & son. And Lucy, our precious angel Lucy. Whom though we did not get to know here on Earth, I was reminded last night that she still is amazing, has talents, has questions, likes to play & have fun but she is doing it in another place, hopefully with our other 2 little miracles we lost too soon. She is doing it in Heaven, whilst waiting for us to join her one day. I know she would have been an amazing little sister, and daughter. It is so hard to know that we have to face everyday, every holiday without the smile on her face, and love in her heart but one day we will see her again, one day we will all be a family again. That day I long for. I long to hold all of my children in my arms and tell them I love them. I will do that for the remainder of my days on Earth with my children that I get to spend my days with, and I know that Lucy is getting that love from her Heavenly Father, her creator. Do I wish I was the one giving her that love everyday, yes! But I again was reminded last night that He is loving her more then I ever possibly could, even though I do not want to think that, I KNOW that. I am so thankful for the amazing family God has blessed me with. I love my children and husband, they are my entire world. I wish so much that Lucy was able to be here with us everyday to celebrate life and learn and play and love with us, but I remind myself daily, and my family that we will be able to do that with her one day and it may seem like an eternity away but we will one day. I am so thankful for the people I have been blessed to travel this road with, I don't know where I would be without them.

FRIENDS

Amazing FRIENDS, so thankful for such a magnificent woman by my side on the hardest day of my life.  So blessed to call her my FRIEND.

Wow, where do I start? The out pour of love we have received has been amazing. Friends have come along side us to help us through this in a way I never expected. Some people that we have never met are praying for us. We have people all over this world praying for us. Today it seems every where I turn something reminds me of all of the wonderful people we have around this world praying for us. I am needing it today. We had a phone call from a wonderful lady this morning whom we have just met and she was calling to check on us, I walked out to the car to look for something and found an unopened card from 2 amazing women, and then came inside and found a unopened card from a woman that I do not recall ever meeting. That was all within the first hour of being up this morning. I believe God had a hand in every piece of that :) I was due to go out with a friend today and even though that did not work out I believe not only is she praying for me and here for me, I believe I was supposed to be home to receive these things. These things have given me strength today that I needed. 
I need to do laundry, I need to get my house back in some sort of order. My husband has been amazing at doing the laundry in hopes that whatever may have been in there he could get through and out of here so that I would not have to deal with it. But now, I need to begin doing it. I know I will still come across stuff, I just pray I have the strength to handle it. I feel that is why I was meant to have that phone call this morning, and find the cards that speak of strength in myself and friends sending me strength. So I am praying that with all of this strength coming my way I can do this. We have been truly blessed with the amazing friends that are coming around us, and loving us through this. I can not thank you enough, to each of you. 


On a side note, FRIENDS the show has also helped me in so many ways. It has always been that comfort show for me, now it's truly helping me through the most difficult time in my life!

Time to share.

So I will start where I believe things started to go wrong. We went in for our 28 wk scan and she looked perfect. However, she was measuring 25 wks and 4 days. I knew in my heart something did not feel right, in my gut she was not ok. But we assumed she was just measuring small like Mary, Kyle, Iyan, & Owyn always did. But she had been measuring 3 days ahead at our last ultrasound a month before. I feel so guilty for not having her looked at again. I don't blame myself because I know there is nothing I could have done differently but yes I do feel guilty.
At 30 wks and 3 days I started having contractions as I have with the last 3. So we went in and they were able to stop the contractions and after not having any for an hour we decided to go home. Once home the contractions started coming back randomly so I called and they said to rest a little and come in if they continued. So I laid down, and they had gone away for awhile but they came back. So as soon as they started to come back we went back in. I just knew at that moment something was not right. They had never come right back so quickly. My heart began to race, my mind began to wonder, and I just knew deep down in my heart that my baby girl was gone. When we got to the hospital they hooked me up and found the "heartbeat" but the nurse was not satisfied that it was Lucy's so she wanted to get another nurse to check, she wasn't satisfied either because I was tachycardic and my pulse was in the 150's. So they had the u/s tech come up and that is when I just knew without a doubt that she was gone. The lady got there and started doing the u/s and as soon as she started doing it I looked at her face and I just knew. At that moment I had so much anger and sadness. We found out at 30 wks, Jan 30, and 3:30 pm that Lucy was gone.
If I stayed Sunday night would things be different? Would my little girl still be here? Did I make the mistake of going home? I never thought of this until now. She was moving around Sunday night while we were there and they could not keep her on the monitor so I know she was there, I know she was still alive. Why didn't I listen to my gut. Why didn't I go back for another ultrasound? Why did I allow myself to leave Sunday night. Maybe they would have caught it. If I had made one different decision then my beautiful little girl might still be here. I am so sorry for that, I will never be able to forgive myself for that. I am sorry to my beautiful little girl that I could not do my job as her mommy and protect her and bring her here safely. I am sorry to my daughter for not being able to give her her baby sister that she wants so badly. I am sorry to my husband for not bringing his child to him safely. I am sorry to my boys for not bringing their sister to them to play with. I know everyone says not to be sorry, not to blame myself and as much as I want to believe that I'm not I guess on some level I am. It was my job to bring her here to our family safely, it was my job to make sure she was ok. And as much as everyone keeps saying "it's all in God's plan" I KNOW that but that isn't going to just make it all ok. It isn't going to make me feel ok about any of this. It isn't fair. It isn't right that she is not here with our family. I KNOW it's God's plan, I know that it is His will. And I tell myself that every day, as I do my family so that we remember that always. And one day I pray that I can fully accept that and be ok with it being His will, but for now I'm not. I'm not ok that she isn't here. I'm not ok that I didn't do everything in my power to bring her here safely. I pray to find my peace with it one day, but I will NEVER be ok with her not being here with our family.
Rest in Peace my sweet angel. I love you with all of my heart.

Remembering.

Remembering her brings so many emotions. Sadness, tears, anger, joy, laughter. 
Sadness because I will never hold her again, I will never kiss her again, I will never feel her soft skin again. 
Tears because I have so much of her stuff around me and I have no idea what to do with it. I have clothes, pacifiers, blankets, ideas in my head about how we were going to decorate for her, little bitty shoes, diapers, and toys that she will never use, that I will never get to share with her. 
Anger because she was taken away from us, she should be here with us in a few months. I should be able to hold her and kiss her, and feel her soft skin, and smell that wonderful new baby smell. I should be able to play with her and dress her in all the wonderful clothes we bought for her, and wrap her in the so soft blanket her Aunt was making for her, and lay her on the blanket that her Mimi was going to make her, and give her the adorable pacifiers her Grandma & Papa got for her. Instead I have to figure out what to do with all these things. Do I keep them. Do I pass them to someone who can use them. Do I pass them to someone I know, or will that hurt more. 
Joy because she brought so much to our family in the short 7 months she was with us. I was so excited to be having another little girl, and Mary was so excited to be having a baby sister after having 3 "stinking little brothers" as she called them. Daddy was so excited to be having another little girl to spoil. The boys, where as they do not fully understand, they were getting used to us talking about Lucy, and her joining us. They were learning her name and that a new baby was in Mommy's tummy and coming soon.
Laughter because she would roll and rub and push my tummy and we would all laugh at her. Kyle was beginning to talk about Lucy, and things she would eat and he apparently thinks she would have eaten pumpkin instead of having bottles. Owyn would run and rub my tummy every time he would hear "Lucy" and now he rubs it & says "Lucy" and I can't tell him that Lucy is there still. But even still, those are days that I will always remember as some of the most exciting days of our lives.
So many reasons to remember her. So many reasons to honor her memory. So many reasons to cry & laugh. 

I love having the reminders, but I hate having the reminders. I love having them because it makes me feel comforted on some level. But I hate it because it just reminds me that she will not be here, she will not play in this house, she will not play with her brothers and sister, I will not get to play with her, or see my husband play and hold her. All things that I long for and will long for for the rest of the my life. All the things in this house that were for her we have to figure out what to do with them, but I am not ready to figure out what to do with them. So they will be put away for now, all of it. I feel like everything that I get rid of or pack away is deleting a piece of her little by little. I don't want to feel as though I am deleting her, I don't want to delete her. I don't want her not to use this stuff, I want her to use it, I want her to play with it. I want to see her suck those little pacifiers, I want to see her swaddled in the blankets, I want to see my husband hold her and see that look of so much love and joy in his eyes, I want to see Mary play with her sister, I want to see how the boys interact with her and how much they would love her because I KNOW they would! So everything for now will be packed away little by little. And when we are ready we will figure out what to do with it all. I just pray that one day I will find it in me to part with this stuff.

Decisions.

As I sit here in silence it occurs to me all of the decisions we have to make now. There were things we were going to be doing once Lucy arrived that now there is no need to put off. It saddens me to think of them, I do not want to think of them because they are yet another reminder. But maybe, just maybe it might help us to start on the road to moving forward. There are also other decisions that need to be made since she will not be here in the house. I don't want to think about this stuff, EVER! I don't want to make these decisions, EVER! I shouldn't have to make these decisions, EVER!!!!  The decisions I should be making should be where her bed will go, what her bedding will be, what bottles to use, what will be her coming home outfit! Instead I'm deciding what to do with all the clothes we had bought her, what to do with the pacifiers, blankets, and toys that had been bought for her, where to hang her signature frame and shadow box with her urn so we can see it daily.  We were going to be making decisions about the kids bedrooms, how to switch them to make them work for another little one to be added, I was putting off school for awhile to be able to focus on her and figuring out our new family of 7, we were having to look into a new vehicle but won't be needing to now. I would give ANYTHING to be making those decisions right now!!!! There are other personal decisions that Jason and I need to make and I don't want to make them, I'm not ready to make them. We will be waiting to make them, I know that is the best decision for now. But they are still on the back of my mind, and will be until we make them. I want to be thinking about what it will sound like to hear her first cry, what it will sound like to call her name with her brothers and sister, would she come close to her due date or early like her brothers. I WANT TO KNOW THIS STUFF!!!!! I want to know how she & Mary would interact together, I want to see the love and joy on Mary's face again to be having a little sister! It hurts my heart so that Mary will never experience that, she will always carry that sadness with her. I pray that one day it will ease and she will appreciate the life of her brothers that much more. I pray that one day all of this will ease and everything around us will not be such a sad reminder to us. Because right now, everything is a reminder. Baby stuff, pregnant women, babies...all of it is a reminder that we should have been planning for that joy, for that exciting time to be approaching. I pray that all of these decisions will help us on the road to healing, but remembering the joy that little Lucy brought to us in her short time here with our family.

Pain...

Never have I known such pain, physically and emotionally. Yes I have had 4 babies that I had the same pain afterwards physically but for some reason the physical pain after Lucy seems so much worse. I still have bruises from the iv's and blood work, a week later that feel like they will never heal. The cramping, the engorgement feel like they will never go away and feel as though they are 1,000 times worse then ever before. Throw in the emotional pain and my body feels as though it will never heal. I am so angry, so angry that she was taken from us. So angry that I went through everything I did during my pregnancy just to have her taken away. I would do it ALL again in a heartbeat just to feel those kicks, and hiccups again but it was alot to endure phenergan shots every 2 hours for 3 months, while still not keeping anything down during that time. Blood work every 4 wks to check my thyroid levels, and taking medicine 2 times a day to ensure safety for Lucy & myself. Heart palpitations, and finding out that I have an arrhythmia and having to take another medicine for that. The swelling and migraines, the vision problems. All of it I endured FOR HER, and again I would do it all in a heartbeat again for her but to have her taken away after all that not only I, but my family endured...words can not express the pain. She was worth every second of everything that I endured, just as my other children have been. I just can't believe that she is gone. I can not believe that I will never hold her sweet little hand again, I will never be able to kiss her adorable little forehead, I will never be able to wrap my arms around her, I will never be able to hear her call me mommy, I will never be able to tell her I love her and her tell me she loves me back, I will never be able to see her play with brothers but I will never be able to see her play with her big sister who wanted her so badly. Never will I be able to dress her, and do her hair. Never will I be able to take her to her first day of school, or celebrate that first birthday or her fifteenth birthday. Never will I be able to help her get ready for that first big date, or her wedding day. All the stuff that EVERY mother longs to do with their children, I will not get to do with her. Instead I had to choose a urn for my daughter, I had to make a memorial frame for her instead of a frame to celebrate her arrival with our first family picture. I think that is one thing that I long for so very much, is that family picture. Seeing her brothers and sisters kissing her and holding her with huge smiles on their faces. Seeing my husband with that same joy in his eyes and smile on his face as he has with our other children. Instead I have pictures where you can look at them and just see & feel the sadness but yet still feel how much of a blessing she was. You know how they say "pictures can speak a thousand words" well they really do. Never have I fully understood that until now. I pray to one day be able to see these pictures and smile, because she was a blessing to us even for just the short time she was in my tummy. We were all so excited to be welcoming another baby into our family, another beautiful little sister. I do not think a family could have been more excited. Instead we have to endure this pain and sadness. Why, I do not know and we may never know but we always have to remember that God is in control, He knows what he is doing. He has a greater plan that we may never fully understand. We have to remember that she is happier then she could have ever been here on earth. Am I angry? YES! Am I sad? YES! Am I furious? YEEEESSSS!!!! I want my daughter back, I want to be a mother to her. But for some reason God needed her by His side more then I did. I will think of her every waking minute, I will miss her every waking minute. My heart WILL ache until I hold her in my arms again, which I KNOW one day I will do. It seems like an eternity away but I will, and in the mean time every time I hug my children I will think of her too and every time I kiss them I will think of her too. Every time I see a ladybug I will think of her, and remember that everywhere I go, no matter where I am in this world she is with me always. 

It's been a week...

Yesterday marked one week since we said goodbye to our sweet angel Lucy Kate. I am so angry, sad, mad, hurt, and yet know how blessed I am with my family. We were anticipating the arrival of our 5th beautiful child, and another girl. We have one daughter and three boys, and were so excited to be bringing another girl into our family. So excited to finally give our daughter that sister that she longed for for so long. I started having contractions as I have with the last 3 pregnancies and went in and they were able to stop them only for them to come back within an hour of being home. So we went back in the next morning but I knew in my heart that our sweet angel was gone. I will explain more of exactly what happened in another post, another day. Now here I sit a week later and I can not recall but bits and pieces from the last week of my life, from the only few hours that I had with my angel and I am so angry about that. I am so angry that I allowed myself to block this stuff out. I just pray that one day I have it all come back to me. I have survived the first week without her, I do not know how, I do not feel myself, but I have survived something I never thought I would ever have to go through, and yet here I stand able to care for myself and my children. That I am thankful for.