Just need to write...

I believe this was that moment for me, when I realized the situation I was truly in.
And that my little girl would not be coming home with us. I love you Lucy Kate, with all of my heart.

I just don't even know what to write about today. All I can think is how much I miss her and how much I want her back and how unfair this is. She should be here, she should be here with her family. We should not know such pain and sadness. I have been trying so hard to be ok and be strong for my husband and children, but I'm not ok, I'm not ok at all. I want to curl up in bed and just stay there. But I can't, I have 4 other little people that depend on me. But yet they also depended on me to bring their sister here, and I was unable to do that.  I was unable to protect her, and keep her happy and healthy until she should have been born. And now I have to live with that. How does one live that? How does a mother survive that? How does a mother survive such loss? How does a family survive such loss? How does a couple survive such loss? Everywhere I turn I am reminded of that loss, I reminded of our sweet Lucy and that she will not be coming in April. She will not be here to play with her brothers and sister. We will not get to watch her grow, and see the joy and happiness in her eyes that we get to see in our other children. We will not hear her first words, get to see her first steps, get to see her jump for joy over seeing the Christmas lights on the house or the tree, we will not get to see her learn how to go down the slide, or jump on the trampoline with her friends, we will never see her going to her first day of school, or make friends. I will never hold my sweet Lucy and hear her cry, or be able to squeeze her so tight because I can not contain the love I have for her. And right now I can squeeze anything tight enough to release this pain that I have for the loss of her. No matter how hard I try I can not release it. I can not release the thoughts of what should have been, and just enjoy the now and how blessed I am now. I can not release the guilt for the hurt that has been caused to my family. I can not release the hurt that has been caused to myself. All I have ever wanted in this world was to be a mother, and for some reason my magic number was 6. Once the first came along, I knew that being a mother was what I was meant to do with my life. Getting to watch them grow and love and see that joy in their eyes, it is what life is all about for me. And now here I sit loosing one of those beautiful treasures, and loosing all that I longed to see in her as she grew. I feel like my heart is in my throat and I am suffocating. I feel as though I can not breathe, smile, laugh, or love with all of my heart. Every time I open my eyes I see a reminder, every time I close my eyes I see my sweet angel and I honestly do not know which hurts more. Every time I see those reminders I want nothing more then to have her here and not have reminders but memories made with her. Every time I see her face all I want is to kiss it, and feel the warmth of her forehead. But I will never have either.