My beautiful, precious, perfect Lucy Kate. I would do anything to be able to do this again. I love you with all my heart beautiful baby girl, and I am so sorry.
My heart hurts. My heart hurts more than I can bare. I feel so numb to everything. This is just not fair, I want my daughter back. I don't want to hurt like this anymore, I don't want to feel like such a disappointment to so many anymore. I feel like I have completely broken my daughters heart and I see her walking around with such sadness in her eyes. I want to see ALL of my children play together, I want to dress little Lucy in all the beautiful little clothes I had bought her, I want to swaddle her in the blankets we had gotten and snuggle her and kiss her little forehead, I want to watch her learn how to eat, I want to watch her grow and change everyday, I want wake up and feed her at 2am, I want to say her name and more happiness and love then I can bare instead of more sadness I can bare. I just do not understand why this happened. Why did WE have loose our beautiful baby girl. Why does any parent have to loose a child. I just keep replaying it over and over in my head the ultrasound tech saying "no honey I'm not" when I said "you're not finding a heartbeat are you?" I don't try to replay it, it just happens. I just knew dead down, I just did. I still can not believe I survived that moment, I do not know how I survived that moment. I miss being pregnant, I miss every.single.thing.about.it. I miss my baby. I should have been planning her arrival right now, because I always went early so I should be getting prepared for just in case. Next weekend was supposed to be my baby shower, instead I have no clue what I will be doing but I do know that I will be thinking of what I should have been doing. I should have been celebrating the new life that was to soon be coming. I should have been celebrating Lucy Kate joining our family. Instead I am stuck in this phase of life of trying to figure out what to do next, how to make it through the next hour, the next day, the next month. How to make it to my due date, how to make it through my due date. How to keep going out and seeing pregnant women, babies, baby stuff, hearing the name Lucy without completely loosing it. Every time I go anywhere something reminds me of what has happened, something reminds me of that loss, something reminds me that I am no longer pregnant, something reminds me that our sweet, precious, amazing, little Lucy will not be joining our family. If I could stay home I could, I would, but here everything reminds me of it too. I see the clothes that she was supposed to wear, I see the blankets she was supposed to be wrapped in, I see the crib she was supposed to sleep in, I walk into the room she was supposed to sleep in. I want to read her that bed time story, I want to tuck her in to her bed with those blankets, I want to put her in that crib and watch her sleep like I have with all of my other children. I want to be a mom to her, at this moment in time I want nothing more to be preparing to be a mom to our beautiful little Lucy Kate. All I keep thinking is how at every appointment they kept saying how absolutely perfect she was, she was absolutely so perfect...I guess when they say "too beautiful for Earth" it really is true. I just want to hold her, and love her, and kiss her...I just want to be her mom.
It's perfectly understandable that you would feel this way. But please keep in the front of your mind that nothing about this is your fault. No one but God could have changed the outcome of what's happened. For reasons that we will most likely never understand, Lucy was not meant to be here with us. She loves you and she understands why she wasn't meant to be here. Mary doesn't blame you for not bringing Lucy here. She has questions & doesn't understand what's happened but i know 100% that she does NOT blame you!! She loves you and she knows that you are hurting and she doesn't know how to react. Keep up letting out your emotions here. It will help! I love you!!
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