Faith.

I will hold you again my beautiful angel.
 I love you Lucy Kate, with all of my heart.

My faith has always been something I have struggled with. Not not believing but having enough faith and trust that God will pull me through whatever trials he may throw my way. With Mary we had the struggle of being told we needed to abort and she wouldn't survive very long after birth, but we had FAITH through the entire pregnancy and now she is a healthy beautiful smart 8 year old. When I had my 2 miscarriages in 2005 I also had to find my faith again, why God would take those two children from me. That took a great deal out of me, trying to find my faith, and trust that this was all part of a bigger plan then I could ever imagine. The I got pregnant with Kyleman and had to find that FAITH and trust again, that I wouldn't loose him too and then with him being born profoundly deaf in both ears, I struggled greatly through that, where my FAITH was and that God would pull us through and how could he give me a child with special needs. But, I found my FAITH and he pulled us through and now, I would not trade our Kyleman for anything in this world and I would not change anything about him. With Iyan he was perfect all the way through the pregnancy but I again had to have FAITH that everything would be, after everything with Mary, Kyle, & our 2 miscarriages. And then after he was born his umbilical cord had been tight so around his waist that he had a lot of fluid build up and was white from his waist down and for almost 2 wks fought a fever with him of over 100, and he was colicky. I again had to lean on that FAITH that he would be ok and the fever would go away, and it soon did. Then we had our last son, Owyn. I again had to have that FAITH that I would not loose him and he would be ok, and he was. He was perfect, but on Dec 27, 2011 we almost lost him. He had a seizure, and was lifeless. I had to do cpr on him until the ambulance got here. I was scared to death that I was going to loose my son, but I had FAITH that he would ok. Then we got pregnant with our sweet Lucy. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with her my faith was completely tested. I had so many things come up during my pregnancy, health wise for myself, that I had to have faith and trust it was all in God's hands and that her and I would be ok. I thought that having enough FAITH AND TRUST that she would be ok, that she would be here with us to share this life with her. But I have come to find that that is not always enough. That you can have all the FAITH in the world in God not allowing horrible things to happen to you, but if it is in His plan then it will happen regardless of how much FAITH AND TRUST you have. It isn't about having FAITH AND TRUST that He will not allow them to happen, it is about having the FAITH AND TRUST that He will pull you through, that he wants you to lean on him during those times. So I am back to that point of trying to find my FAITH AND TRUST again. At this moment I feel like I have no faith or trust at all, I do not understand how this could be part of a bigger plan, how this in some way can be to the good of our Heavenly Father. How giving us this precious gift and then ripping her away can be a good thing in His journey for us. I KNOW deep in my heart that it is His plan, I know that her life meant something and there was a reason we were chosen to be her mommy & daddy, and I would not trade those few months I had being blessed to be her mommy for anything. I want my daughter back, I want to hold her and love her. I want to feel those kicks and hiccups again. But I am trying to find that FAITH AND TRUST that she is in her makers arms and every time I think of her He is hugging her and kissing her for me.  I would give anything to hold her again, and I know that one day I will. I know this all in my heart, but in my head I am trying to figure out how to cope with it. Because I do feel alone, I do feel God has abandoned me, I do feel God took my daughter away and I do not understand why. I want to know why me, when she was wanted so badly. But I just keep praying that He will help me come to peace with it, help me find my FAITH AND TRUST in Him again, and to lean on Him in my time of need. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life and I need that FAITH AND TRUST now more then ever.