Decisions.

As I sit here in silence it occurs to me all of the decisions we have to make now. There were things we were going to be doing once Lucy arrived that now there is no need to put off. It saddens me to think of them, I do not want to think of them because they are yet another reminder. But maybe, just maybe it might help us to start on the road to moving forward. There are also other decisions that need to be made since she will not be here in the house. I don't want to think about this stuff, EVER! I don't want to make these decisions, EVER! I shouldn't have to make these decisions, EVER!!!!  The decisions I should be making should be where her bed will go, what her bedding will be, what bottles to use, what will be her coming home outfit! Instead I'm deciding what to do with all the clothes we had bought her, what to do with the pacifiers, blankets, and toys that had been bought for her, where to hang her signature frame and shadow box with her urn so we can see it daily.  We were going to be making decisions about the kids bedrooms, how to switch them to make them work for another little one to be added, I was putting off school for awhile to be able to focus on her and figuring out our new family of 7, we were having to look into a new vehicle but won't be needing to now. I would give ANYTHING to be making those decisions right now!!!! There are other personal decisions that Jason and I need to make and I don't want to make them, I'm not ready to make them. We will be waiting to make them, I know that is the best decision for now. But they are still on the back of my mind, and will be until we make them. I want to be thinking about what it will sound like to hear her first cry, what it will sound like to call her name with her brothers and sister, would she come close to her due date or early like her brothers. I WANT TO KNOW THIS STUFF!!!!! I want to know how she & Mary would interact together, I want to see the love and joy on Mary's face again to be having a little sister! It hurts my heart so that Mary will never experience that, she will always carry that sadness with her. I pray that one day it will ease and she will appreciate the life of her brothers that much more. I pray that one day all of this will ease and everything around us will not be such a sad reminder to us. Because right now, everything is a reminder. Baby stuff, pregnant women, babies...all of it is a reminder that we should have been planning for that joy, for that exciting time to be approaching. I pray that all of these decisions will help us on the road to healing, but remembering the joy that little Lucy brought to us in her short time here with our family.