Missing link.

I feel like my heart is in a tiny million little pieces. I don't know how to begin to pick up the pieces. I feel like there is no way to find myself again after this. I will never be the same, I know that, my heart will never be whole again, it will never be completely healed. Lucy will always be that missing link in my heart, in our family, in every picture, in every memory she will be that missing link. The thought of moving forward without her just seems impossible. The thought that she will never be here, that we will never see her grow up still seems so surreal. I feel like I am living in some sort of nightmare. Because this is my worst nightmare come true. Loosing one of my children in any way is my absolute worst nightmare. I KNOW that I have to pick up the pieces somehow for the sake of my family, but how to do that, where to begin...I have no idea. How do I make myself move forward without my whole heart? How do I move forward without our missing link? I know that my kids deserve my all, I just don't know how to do that right now. I don't know how to take them out and not fall apart every time I see a pregnant woman or baby. How do I pick up where I left off with family and friends that are having babies? How do I face them, and not totally loose it and make them feel like they've done something wrong? I do not want anyone to feel that way. I am so excited for everyone that I know that is having their beautiful bundles and I would not wish this pain on anyone. But it will be so hard to face them, so hard to face those beautiful babies and watch them grow knowing that I will never get to see our beautiful Lucy Kate grow. And I know most people think that most people would understand me not being ready, but there are some people who do not understand, and unless you have been through such an incredibly painful loss you would not understand, and again I would not wish that on ANYONE. But if you are going to love someone through something like this and are a true friend then you would understand that I love you all and that when I am at some sort of peace with the loss of my beautiful bundle then I will do everything I can to try to be a better friend, and be there to watch your children grow. And through them I will hopefully be able to see that little bit of Lucy that I will forever miss, and I can imagine even for just a second that she would be doing those things as well. I pray with all of my heart that I will remember the feeling of her kicking me and her little hiccups forever. That connection that I had with her, even if it wasn't in my arms. I remember those last hiccups as if they were happening now, it was the Saturday night before we lost her. It was after Mary's birthday party and I had a horrific migraine and could not sleep at all that night, and every night it never failed between 1 & 2 am she would get the hiccups, I would give anything to be awoken by those again, anything. But I pray that I always remember that, so that I have some memory with her, some memory to share with her brothers and sister when they are older.
I know that it may not really be this way, but it seems as though all around me I see women having these beautiful babies. Most of them were wanted but then some I know were not wanted or atleast not right now and they are each having their babies and they are beautiful and healthy, but yet mine was ripped away. And I for the life of me will never understand why mine had to be taken away. But again I would not wish this pain on anyone, so I guess I just have to bare it. And it all sounds so selfish but it is how I feel. My children are my world, if they hurt I hurt one million times worse, and I know Lucy is not hurting but Mary is, so very much and knowing that she will grow up without her sister, I can't express the pain I carry for her. Knowing that I will carry this kind of pain until the day I die, I do not know how I will manage. I nor anyone in my family has ever experienced this kind of pain, and I don't know how to bare it, I don't know how to cope. I know it is said with time it gets easier, so far it has just gotten worse. I do not handle hurt well, at all, I wear my heart on my sleeve and put my whole into everything I do and love, and I already had with Lucy and she was taken from me, from us. I was trying so hard to be strong, and get through this but I can't. I can't do it alone. And even with the amazing support we have, I still feel so alone, completely alone. No one had made the connection with her yet, as I had, which I am thankful for because I would not want my family to feel this pain to the extent I am but yet I don't want to feel so alone. 

My beautiful Lucy Kate, rest in peace my littlest lovebug, my angel.
 I love you with all of my heart.

I had a dream a couple nights ago where I was chasing her in this meadow and all I could see was the back of her, I could not see her face at all, and all I kept saying was " that I wanted to hug her and kiss her" and I could hear her laughing but I couldn't catch up to her. It was my worst nightmare yet. And it was exactly that because I was so sad that I could not do that in person, and that I will never be able too, and that is all I want at this moment. I woke up crying from that dream, and haven't stopped since. I go to bed crying, I wake up crying, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her. I pray that one day this will get easier, I pray that one day my heart, and my family does not hurt so much but right now I do not see that day in sight. I am trying to have faith, I truly am but that is so incredibly hard when I can not for the life of me figure out why this had to happen to us. I love my family so much and I wish so much we were not going through this pain. I can never express that enough, I can never express enough how much I want my daughter back and think this is so unfair and we were so very close to having her here and how much it hurts that she will not be here with us. I love you Lucy Kate with all of my heart, you will forever be that missing link.