Remembering.

Remembering her brings so many emotions. Sadness, tears, anger, joy, laughter. 
Sadness because I will never hold her again, I will never kiss her again, I will never feel her soft skin again. 
Tears because I have so much of her stuff around me and I have no idea what to do with it. I have clothes, pacifiers, blankets, ideas in my head about how we were going to decorate for her, little bitty shoes, diapers, and toys that she will never use, that I will never get to share with her. 
Anger because she was taken away from us, she should be here with us in a few months. I should be able to hold her and kiss her, and feel her soft skin, and smell that wonderful new baby smell. I should be able to play with her and dress her in all the wonderful clothes we bought for her, and wrap her in the so soft blanket her Aunt was making for her, and lay her on the blanket that her Mimi was going to make her, and give her the adorable pacifiers her Grandma & Papa got for her. Instead I have to figure out what to do with all these things. Do I keep them. Do I pass them to someone who can use them. Do I pass them to someone I know, or will that hurt more. 
Joy because she brought so much to our family in the short 7 months she was with us. I was so excited to be having another little girl, and Mary was so excited to be having a baby sister after having 3 "stinking little brothers" as she called them. Daddy was so excited to be having another little girl to spoil. The boys, where as they do not fully understand, they were getting used to us talking about Lucy, and her joining us. They were learning her name and that a new baby was in Mommy's tummy and coming soon.
Laughter because she would roll and rub and push my tummy and we would all laugh at her. Kyle was beginning to talk about Lucy, and things she would eat and he apparently thinks she would have eaten pumpkin instead of having bottles. Owyn would run and rub my tummy every time he would hear "Lucy" and now he rubs it & says "Lucy" and I can't tell him that Lucy is there still. But even still, those are days that I will always remember as some of the most exciting days of our lives.
So many reasons to remember her. So many reasons to honor her memory. So many reasons to cry & laugh. 

I love having the reminders, but I hate having the reminders. I love having them because it makes me feel comforted on some level. But I hate it because it just reminds me that she will not be here, she will not play in this house, she will not play with her brothers and sister, I will not get to play with her, or see my husband play and hold her. All things that I long for and will long for for the rest of the my life. All the things in this house that were for her we have to figure out what to do with them, but I am not ready to figure out what to do with them. So they will be put away for now, all of it. I feel like everything that I get rid of or pack away is deleting a piece of her little by little. I don't want to feel as though I am deleting her, I don't want to delete her. I don't want her not to use this stuff, I want her to use it, I want her to play with it. I want to see her suck those little pacifiers, I want to see her swaddled in the blankets, I want to see my husband hold her and see that look of so much love and joy in his eyes, I want to see Mary play with her sister, I want to see how the boys interact with her and how much they would love her because I KNOW they would! So everything for now will be packed away little by little. And when we are ready we will figure out what to do with it all. I just pray that one day I will find it in me to part with this stuff.