Mission.

I just do not even know how to begin or where to begin. I have been trying so hard to move past this and TRY to atleast pretend to be happy for the sake of my family, & friends but I haven't been doing such a good job. I have been on a journey with myself looking deep inside at how I'm truly feeling about loosing my daughter. I have found that I am flat out angry. I have not been able to say this out loud. But now I am. I am angry with God for taking my daughter away, I don't care why, I don't care what His plan is, I don't care why He needed her with him. I needed her here with me, I needed and wanted to be a mother to her. Her brothers, but especially her sister wanted her here. With all that I have been through in my life I have believed that there was a reason and God had a plan for my life, but this, this I do not understand why He would allow to happen. My pregnancy with her was by far the hardest out of all of them and I do not believe anyone will ever understand exactly how bad it was on my body, and then at the end of it instead of bringing home a baby I brought home memories and ashes. I don't want to go through this, I do not know how to go through this. I feel completely alone in all of it. My kids are my world, and I almost lost one and then not even a month later I did lose one. How does a mother survive that? Why would God allow a mother to go through that? Why did He have to take my little girl? Everyone keeps saying I have 4 beautiful blessings, and I do but really I have 5, and I should have had 5 here physically with me but instead for some reason God chose to take one of them back home to be with Him. I can not explain the ache and hurt of loosing a child. Some days I feel as though my heart is just not beating, and like I am suffocating. It is so hard to know I will go the rest of my life without my out my little girl, not be able to see her grow, not be able to see her interact with her siblings, and not know what type of person she would have grown up to be. I am trying to find a way to release this anger, because I know deep down that it IS part of God's plan and it always has been. I just wish so much that it wasn't part of His plan for my family and that our sweet Lucy Kate was here with us to enjoy this life.

Helping Others.

I have been keeping myself rather busy the last week or so but now today it is all catching up with me. I had a day of grieving and stressfulness today. Whenever is I grieve everthing stresses me out even more. I hate it :( I that it stresses me out so much and then I take it out on my family. They don't deserve it. So I am trying to find a way to control it and make myself stop and realize what I am doing before it happens.
This week we found out that my husbands store will be closing, which I knew was coming sooner rather then later but he didn't believe me! So he was given 4 options but he is now looking further into 2 of them, 1 of which I am really hoping works out. But with alll of this will be bringing lots of changes to our family. And I can not wait to see what God has in store for us. Something is happening to be turning our worlds upside down the last couple of months so I can not wait to see what it is.
As for our sweet Lucy, I do not know if I mentioned already or not but I wanting to learn crochet and I would love to give them the hospitals for families that suffer this loss. If our hospital would not have had the blanket and hat for our sweet Lucy we would have nothing tangable to hold onto for our sweet angel. So I truly hope this is something I can pick up on and do, even if it's not many I can do or perfect I hope with all of my heart I can do something. I just want to do something to help others. There apparently has been more of this happening then anyone is aware of. So I want to find someway, something to do to help.

Been a few days.

One day my sweet precious angel we will hold you again.
I love you will all of my heart.

It has been a few days since I have written, not only was I unsure of what to write about but we have been very busy. We went to a place that my husbands family has gone too for years and we had a wonderful time but the whole time I was watching the kids play I kept thinking of my sweet Lucy and how she would never see that amazing place, and play with her siblings and cousins and Grandma and Papa, and all the aunts and uncles. I wanted her so badly to see that place, and share that place with her . But as I sat watching God's creation I realized that she was in a far better place and one day we will share it with her. But that does not make it any easier. It doesn't make what we are going through easier to handle. We want her here. We want to share everything with her. I know people mean well when they  say she is in a better place, and happier then she ever could have been here on Earth, but that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't help as her parents to think that there is anyone that could take care and love her more then we could. WE KNOW she is loved more and taken care of more then she ever could have been  here on Earth. The way I've been feeling and explaining is this... you know the feeling of missing your kids even when they are away from you for a long enough to run to the store (atleast I do, as I'm sure most mothers do) it's that missing feeling times a trillion. That is the only way I can explain this, the only way I know how to put it into words. She was a part of our family already, even though she was only in my tummy. She was a new little person coming into our lives, into our worlds and was going to better our family. We were being blessed one more time. It isn't as if we had just found out and had an early miscarriage, we were weeks away from having her safely in our arms. She was a little person, that we were all beginning to connect with and imagine being here with us. It isn't just something that we are all going to get over. I especially. I do not want to leave the house, I do not want to see anyone. Every time I see anyone I see the look in their eyes, that they just do not know what to say, and the sadness. I know there is nothing anyone can say to comfort this kind of pain. Prayers and thoughts, mean more then anything right now. I am trying everyday to build my strength in myself, in God's plan, and that we will make it through this but it is very difficult to do. I am struggling alot more then I thought I was. I just want my daughter, I want to hold her, and I want to tell her I love her more then anything.

Maybe one day.

I lost a little piece of myself with you on this day.
I love you with all of my heart, Lucy Kate.

I feel like I am not moving forward. I feel like I am stuck in this place of darkeness and sadness and everyone, everyone around me is moving forward. I don't want to be sad, and angry. I want to be happy again, I feel selfish for not being happy for myself and my family. And I am so blessed to have the children God has blessed with me, there are so many women that can not conceive. I am trying so hard to find my joy and happiness again. I try everyday to find one thing that I feel so blessed to have, other then my children. It is the hardest thing to do right now. Loosing a child, can cause you to loose so much of yourself and the trust you have in yourself as a parent. I love my children with every bit of my heart. They are my world and to have one of them ripped away, I feel as though my I am suffocating and my heart weighs as much as a brick. I see all this happiness around me, so many people with so much happiness in their lives and I know I have it in my life but trying to find that again after a loss like this, I do not know that I will ever have that happiness again. Atleast right now it feels like I never will. It takes everything I have to get through the day, EVERYTHING. If I could curl up in bed and stay there all day everyday I would. My children and my amazing husband are the only things that help me get from moment to moment. I just have to find a way to be happy and at peace with all that has happened in my life. We have had a lot of trials and we have managed to make it through them. But this, this feels nearly impossible. I feel the weakest I have every felt in my life. All I think about is Lucy, all I want to think about is Lucy, but at the same time when I think about her all I want to do is cry. She was absolutely amazing, beautiful, & perfect. I have to come to terms with her not being her, and that she is amazing, beautiful, & perfect and with our creator. And I know the only way for me to heal is to believe that, but I don't want to believe it, I want my daughter back in my arms. I am trying to find the way to move forward. To get the motivation to do anything, leave my house, make a phone call, anything...but I just do not care right now. I just do not know how to loose a child and move forward as everything is ok. It is so hard to move forward. I feel empty inside.