Maybe one day.

I lost a little piece of myself with you on this day.
I love you with all of my heart, Lucy Kate.

I feel like I am not moving forward. I feel like I am stuck in this place of darkeness and sadness and everyone, everyone around me is moving forward. I don't want to be sad, and angry. I want to be happy again, I feel selfish for not being happy for myself and my family. And I am so blessed to have the children God has blessed with me, there are so many women that can not conceive. I am trying so hard to find my joy and happiness again. I try everyday to find one thing that I feel so blessed to have, other then my children. It is the hardest thing to do right now. Loosing a child, can cause you to loose so much of yourself and the trust you have in yourself as a parent. I love my children with every bit of my heart. They are my world and to have one of them ripped away, I feel as though my I am suffocating and my heart weighs as much as a brick. I see all this happiness around me, so many people with so much happiness in their lives and I know I have it in my life but trying to find that again after a loss like this, I do not know that I will ever have that happiness again. Atleast right now it feels like I never will. It takes everything I have to get through the day, EVERYTHING. If I could curl up in bed and stay there all day everyday I would. My children and my amazing husband are the only things that help me get from moment to moment. I just have to find a way to be happy and at peace with all that has happened in my life. We have had a lot of trials and we have managed to make it through them. But this, this feels nearly impossible. I feel the weakest I have every felt in my life. All I think about is Lucy, all I want to think about is Lucy, but at the same time when I think about her all I want to do is cry. She was absolutely amazing, beautiful, & perfect. I have to come to terms with her not being her, and that she is amazing, beautiful, & perfect and with our creator. And I know the only way for me to heal is to believe that, but I don't want to believe it, I want my daughter back in my arms. I am trying to find the way to move forward. To get the motivation to do anything, leave my house, make a phone call, anything...but I just do not care right now. I just do not know how to loose a child and move forward as everything is ok. It is so hard to move forward. I feel empty inside.