It's been awhile.

Where her things are kept.

We & I have had alot the last few weeks and been crazy busy so I have not been able to post.

On my due date 4-6-12 I packed away all of Lucy's things. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I put her very special things in the box I recieved from some wonderful women in my life, including her easter dress, her coming home outfit, and an outfit Mary had specifically picked out for her and I believe that was the hardest one to pack away. I know how much Mary wanted to see her in that outfit. I packed away her u/s pictures her booties and mittens I bought for the hospital. It was so hard to put those things away and say goodbye to them. But I know where they are if I ever want to see them.

On Easter Sunday God gave me one of the greatest blessings. I was able to hold it together when I saw the babies and baby pictures, it was very hard but I did it. But when I walked into the church I saw my dad and my sister sitting there. I needed them more that day then I could ever say. I made it through the day but it was incredibly hard to do so. But I did.

A couple nights later I had a 2 1/2 conversation with my father. I can't explain the conversation, or what it did for me but it has helped me come to a different place in my life. I still hurt, and I miss my sweet angel so very much. I know she is ok, I know our family will be ok. And it will take a while for us all to come to a place where we are at peace with the loss of our daughter & sister but I know one day we will.

We love you Lucy Kate and will miss you forever.

Looking into my soul.

Our beautiful princess Lucy, all dressed in pink :) She looked beautiful!

I had an extremely long in depth talk with my mom a few days and for some reason after the converstaion with her I felt so relieved and alot of anger released and was beginning to feel that I could start making some baby steps into this world. And now we have almost reached my due date...it is so hard. I know what better place then to be in Heaven for Easter right? But I wish so much she was here. I wish she was going to wear the Easter dress I had already picked out for her. I bet she would have looked so very beautiful in her purple flower Easter dress. I am in a bit of a better place then I was, but it is still a struggle. However, I have not spent my last few days thinking only of her and crying all day. it has been a struggle, and will continue to be. But I have started to appreicate the little things with my kids again. My eyes have been opened that I am not the only one that this is happened too in the world, but that it also affects a family more then anyone could realize until you've been through it. Our family is different now, we don't know and may never know why God took our precious angel and turned our worlds upside down but for some reason he saw fit. There is alot of decisions that alot of my family was trying to decide and things that were trying to be accomplished, maybe God was trying to prove something to us...maybe that thing was that nothing is in our control, everything is in His. Maybe he was trying to prove that to me. I have been praying and pushing for some changes in our lives and nothing ever worked out the way *I* intended, so maybe He was trying to tell me something. Please do not get me wrong, I would not have traded her life for any of those decisions/answers for a split second, but again it isn't *MY* choice. I am still struggling that God saw fit to take her home to be with Him again, but I KNOW she is the happiest she could ever be. If I start to think of my beautiful little Angel I look at the clouds and imagine her running on the clouds and jumping over clouds and chasing rainbows and swinging on swingsets, it helps so very much. When I imagine that it gives me the greatest feeling in the world to know she could be having that much fun, she's doing it while Mommy can't see her ;) I feel I am taking "baby steps" into this world again, and without the amazing family, friends, & God I have I wouldn't be able to do it. So thank you. Thank you for supporting me, thank you for listening to me whine, thank you for being here for my family during the absolute most difficult part of our lives. Thank you <3