Looking into my soul.

Our beautiful princess Lucy, all dressed in pink :) She looked beautiful!

I had an extremely long in depth talk with my mom a few days and for some reason after the converstaion with her I felt so relieved and alot of anger released and was beginning to feel that I could start making some baby steps into this world. And now we have almost reached my due date...it is so hard. I know what better place then to be in Heaven for Easter right? But I wish so much she was here. I wish she was going to wear the Easter dress I had already picked out for her. I bet she would have looked so very beautiful in her purple flower Easter dress. I am in a bit of a better place then I was, but it is still a struggle. However, I have not spent my last few days thinking only of her and crying all day. it has been a struggle, and will continue to be. But I have started to appreicate the little things with my kids again. My eyes have been opened that I am not the only one that this is happened too in the world, but that it also affects a family more then anyone could realize until you've been through it. Our family is different now, we don't know and may never know why God took our precious angel and turned our worlds upside down but for some reason he saw fit. There is alot of decisions that alot of my family was trying to decide and things that were trying to be accomplished, maybe God was trying to prove something to us...maybe that thing was that nothing is in our control, everything is in His. Maybe he was trying to prove that to me. I have been praying and pushing for some changes in our lives and nothing ever worked out the way *I* intended, so maybe He was trying to tell me something. Please do not get me wrong, I would not have traded her life for any of those decisions/answers for a split second, but again it isn't *MY* choice. I am still struggling that God saw fit to take her home to be with Him again, but I KNOW she is the happiest she could ever be. If I start to think of my beautiful little Angel I look at the clouds and imagine her running on the clouds and jumping over clouds and chasing rainbows and swinging on swingsets, it helps so very much. When I imagine that it gives me the greatest feeling in the world to know she could be having that much fun, she's doing it while Mommy can't see her ;) I feel I am taking "baby steps" into this world again, and without the amazing family, friends, & God I have I wouldn't be able to do it. So thank you. Thank you for supporting me, thank you for listening to me whine, thank you for being here for my family during the absolute most difficult part of our lives. Thank you <3