Mission.

I just do not even know how to begin or where to begin. I have been trying so hard to move past this and TRY to atleast pretend to be happy for the sake of my family, & friends but I haven't been doing such a good job. I have been on a journey with myself looking deep inside at how I'm truly feeling about loosing my daughter. I have found that I am flat out angry. I have not been able to say this out loud. But now I am. I am angry with God for taking my daughter away, I don't care why, I don't care what His plan is, I don't care why He needed her with him. I needed her here with me, I needed and wanted to be a mother to her. Her brothers, but especially her sister wanted her here. With all that I have been through in my life I have believed that there was a reason and God had a plan for my life, but this, this I do not understand why He would allow to happen. My pregnancy with her was by far the hardest out of all of them and I do not believe anyone will ever understand exactly how bad it was on my body, and then at the end of it instead of bringing home a baby I brought home memories and ashes. I don't want to go through this, I do not know how to go through this. I feel completely alone in all of it. My kids are my world, and I almost lost one and then not even a month later I did lose one. How does a mother survive that? Why would God allow a mother to go through that? Why did He have to take my little girl? Everyone keeps saying I have 4 beautiful blessings, and I do but really I have 5, and I should have had 5 here physically with me but instead for some reason God chose to take one of them back home to be with Him. I can not explain the ache and hurt of loosing a child. Some days I feel as though my heart is just not beating, and like I am suffocating. It is so hard to know I will go the rest of my life without my out my little girl, not be able to see her grow, not be able to see her interact with her siblings, and not know what type of person she would have grown up to be. I am trying to find a way to release this anger, because I know deep down that it IS part of God's plan and it always has been. I just wish so much that it wasn't part of His plan for my family and that our sweet Lucy Kate was here with us to enjoy this life.