Time to share.

So I will start where I believe things started to go wrong. We went in for our 28 wk scan and she looked perfect. However, she was measuring 25 wks and 4 days. I knew in my heart something did not feel right, in my gut she was not ok. But we assumed she was just measuring small like Mary, Kyle, Iyan, & Owyn always did. But she had been measuring 3 days ahead at our last ultrasound a month before. I feel so guilty for not having her looked at again. I don't blame myself because I know there is nothing I could have done differently but yes I do feel guilty.
At 30 wks and 3 days I started having contractions as I have with the last 3. So we went in and they were able to stop the contractions and after not having any for an hour we decided to go home. Once home the contractions started coming back randomly so I called and they said to rest a little and come in if they continued. So I laid down, and they had gone away for awhile but they came back. So as soon as they started to come back we went back in. I just knew at that moment something was not right. They had never come right back so quickly. My heart began to race, my mind began to wonder, and I just knew deep down in my heart that my baby girl was gone. When we got to the hospital they hooked me up and found the "heartbeat" but the nurse was not satisfied that it was Lucy's so she wanted to get another nurse to check, she wasn't satisfied either because I was tachycardic and my pulse was in the 150's. So they had the u/s tech come up and that is when I just knew without a doubt that she was gone. The lady got there and started doing the u/s and as soon as she started doing it I looked at her face and I just knew. At that moment I had so much anger and sadness. We found out at 30 wks, Jan 30, and 3:30 pm that Lucy was gone.
If I stayed Sunday night would things be different? Would my little girl still be here? Did I make the mistake of going home? I never thought of this until now. She was moving around Sunday night while we were there and they could not keep her on the monitor so I know she was there, I know she was still alive. Why didn't I listen to my gut. Why didn't I go back for another ultrasound? Why did I allow myself to leave Sunday night. Maybe they would have caught it. If I had made one different decision then my beautiful little girl might still be here. I am so sorry for that, I will never be able to forgive myself for that. I am sorry to my beautiful little girl that I could not do my job as her mommy and protect her and bring her here safely. I am sorry to my daughter for not being able to give her her baby sister that she wants so badly. I am sorry to my husband for not bringing his child to him safely. I am sorry to my boys for not bringing their sister to them to play with. I know everyone says not to be sorry, not to blame myself and as much as I want to believe that I'm not I guess on some level I am. It was my job to bring her here to our family safely, it was my job to make sure she was ok. And as much as everyone keeps saying "it's all in God's plan" I KNOW that but that isn't going to just make it all ok. It isn't going to make me feel ok about any of this. It isn't fair. It isn't right that she is not here with our family. I KNOW it's God's plan, I know that it is His will. And I tell myself that every day, as I do my family so that we remember that always. And one day I pray that I can fully accept that and be ok with it being His will, but for now I'm not. I'm not ok that she isn't here. I'm not ok that I didn't do everything in my power to bring her here safely. I pray to find my peace with it one day, but I will NEVER be ok with her not being here with our family.
Rest in Peace my sweet angel. I love you with all of my heart.