Pain...

Never have I known such pain, physically and emotionally. Yes I have had 4 babies that I had the same pain afterwards physically but for some reason the physical pain after Lucy seems so much worse. I still have bruises from the iv's and blood work, a week later that feel like they will never heal. The cramping, the engorgement feel like they will never go away and feel as though they are 1,000 times worse then ever before. Throw in the emotional pain and my body feels as though it will never heal. I am so angry, so angry that she was taken from us. So angry that I went through everything I did during my pregnancy just to have her taken away. I would do it ALL again in a heartbeat just to feel those kicks, and hiccups again but it was alot to endure phenergan shots every 2 hours for 3 months, while still not keeping anything down during that time. Blood work every 4 wks to check my thyroid levels, and taking medicine 2 times a day to ensure safety for Lucy & myself. Heart palpitations, and finding out that I have an arrhythmia and having to take another medicine for that. The swelling and migraines, the vision problems. All of it I endured FOR HER, and again I would do it all in a heartbeat again for her but to have her taken away after all that not only I, but my family endured...words can not express the pain. She was worth every second of everything that I endured, just as my other children have been. I just can't believe that she is gone. I can not believe that I will never hold her sweet little hand again, I will never be able to kiss her adorable little forehead, I will never be able to wrap my arms around her, I will never be able to hear her call me mommy, I will never be able to tell her I love her and her tell me she loves me back, I will never be able to see her play with brothers but I will never be able to see her play with her big sister who wanted her so badly. Never will I be able to dress her, and do her hair. Never will I be able to take her to her first day of school, or celebrate that first birthday or her fifteenth birthday. Never will I be able to help her get ready for that first big date, or her wedding day. All the stuff that EVERY mother longs to do with their children, I will not get to do with her. Instead I had to choose a urn for my daughter, I had to make a memorial frame for her instead of a frame to celebrate her arrival with our first family picture. I think that is one thing that I long for so very much, is that family picture. Seeing her brothers and sisters kissing her and holding her with huge smiles on their faces. Seeing my husband with that same joy in his eyes and smile on his face as he has with our other children. Instead I have pictures where you can look at them and just see & feel the sadness but yet still feel how much of a blessing she was. You know how they say "pictures can speak a thousand words" well they really do. Never have I fully understood that until now. I pray to one day be able to see these pictures and smile, because she was a blessing to us even for just the short time she was in my tummy. We were all so excited to be welcoming another baby into our family, another beautiful little sister. I do not think a family could have been more excited. Instead we have to endure this pain and sadness. Why, I do not know and we may never know but we always have to remember that God is in control, He knows what he is doing. He has a greater plan that we may never fully understand. We have to remember that she is happier then she could have ever been here on earth. Am I angry? YES! Am I sad? YES! Am I furious? YEEEESSSS!!!! I want my daughter back, I want to be a mother to her. But for some reason God needed her by His side more then I did. I will think of her every waking minute, I will miss her every waking minute. My heart WILL ache until I hold her in my arms again, which I KNOW one day I will do. It seems like an eternity away but I will, and in the mean time every time I hug my children I will think of her too and every time I kiss them I will think of her too. Every time I see a ladybug I will think of her, and remember that everywhere I go, no matter where I am in this world she is with me always.