Heavy Heart

Sums it all up.

So another angel momma shared this figurine with me and it is so heavy on my heart. It has stirred up the emotions that were already stirring. 
The last week my heart has been heavy. I am not sure why, but it is. I have so many mixed emotions. So very ecstatic that I get to go "home" for the first time in 10 years. I get to see friends that I haven't seen in longer that I grew up with, and I get to see my family. I get to see my dad who I have not seen in about a year, other then Lucy's service and Easter day. I get to see my mom. I get to go and witness one of my dearest friends marry the love her life. This is all unbelievably exciting for me, and I am SOOO thankful that we have been given the blessing to go home and see my family and friends. But there is this part of me that is so sad, and heartbroken that our angel will not be with us in person. This part that just isn't quite sure how to enter into this trip, and the upcoming months. You see I had these thoughts, and dreams about what my girls would wear for halloween and about Christmas. Then I have her 1st Angelversary, and her daddy's birthday. So many things that I am now going to have to face, and face alone. Because no matter how much my husband does understand, or other angel momma's are out there, no one is ME, no one is in my heart and head and able to help me through this. I KNOW I have so many for support, and I am so thankful for that!!! But no one will feel the same way I do. 
This figure represents everything. I can not begin to describe it, at all. I have handed one of my beautiful miracles over to an angel to watch over and care for while I spend my days here on earth. It's like I have sent my child away to another parent, and I did not choose to do so. No matter how much I move forward, no matter how much I want to move forward without forgetting or letting her go, it feels nearly impossible. But at the same time, I feel I have come so far. I feel like I can move forward without forgetting or letting her go. She will always be with us, she will ALWAYS be OUR CHILD, no matter if she is here on earth or playing in Heaven, she is always with us and always ours. 
I know people try to help when they say "it was all God's plan" or "she's in a better place" or "you just have to move on." But honestly, none of it helps. I know everything is a part of God's plan, I know she is happier then she could ever be here on earth, and I know that I need to find a place of balance where I hold her in my heart and memory but able to truly let her rest in peace while we finish our job here on earth. But just because I KNOW of all this, and you may say all of this, does not make the pain or hurt or sorrow any less. If you haven't experienced this loss you can never imagine or understand the feeling, and I would NEVER wish this on ANYONE. I feel that I have moved on and come so far in 7 months, but yet still feel I have SOOOO far to go before I can go a day without a sad thought. I am not stuck on the day we lost her, or those feelings. It is just hard knowing she is not here to celebrate life with. So hard to think of the future, which I do, and know that I will go possibly another 40 yrs of life and she will always be missing from our family's life, family picture. 
I do not want anyone to walk on eggshells, I want to know if someone is expecting. Being around babies, has helped me more then I could have imagined it would. It is so hard, but it feels incredible. And THAT feeling overrides the hard parts. I want her mentioned, she deserves to be mentioned. She is just as important to us as our 4 other beautiful lovebugs. So please, please do not hesitate. To talk of her, or to ask how we are with it all. Is it hard? Bet your butt. Does it feel incredible to talk of her and remember her? Bet your butt. She is our child, and always will be <3 

I have decided I would love to have this drawn up to hang in our home.
 But I would want it to say "Faith, Family, Friends"