Realized this.

Ok these things are on my heart, have been for awhile. I have been trying to find a way to truly express it. Well, the day has come. I have no other way then to just speak from my heart, about how it feels. Now what I am feeling is not necessarily guilt, or blame on any part. Just things that I have recently been thinking of. I have come off of all of my medications. I feel a world of difference. I have felt for the last nearly 8 months that I have been stuck on the day that I delivered Lucy. But since coming off of the meds I feel that I have finally began to move forward, not move on because that will never happen. I feel that I have been able to realize that Lucy is not here, and never will be. No matter how much I felt I had truly faced that already, I hadn't. Now that I am, I keeping asking why. Why WE had to loose our daughter. Why our daughter has to be but through such pain, why she had to experience this loss. Why didn't I listen to my gut at my last ultrasound. Why didn't I listen when my gut told me to schedule an appt with the dr rather then seeing a tech, for the first time in practically 9 yrs. Why did I allow myself to leave that hospital that last night Lucy was alive. Why that morning did I not listen and get to the hospital sooner, rather then screwin around trying to get my meds. Why didn't I go back as soon as my contractions came back. Why didn't I ask that night before for them to do an ultrasound and check on her. Why didn't I ask them to check the flow of the umbilical cord, when I felt on my heart that something was wrong. Why didn't I go on with the delivery on the 30th instead of waiting until the 31st, and maybe even with just the slightest tiniest bit of hope they could have revived her, instead I was so physically and mentally exhausted I could not do it. Why didn't I have the kids brought up for that family picture, knowing it would be the only one we could have ever possibly had. Why did I have to have so many things happen during her pregnancy and not be able to fully enjoy it even for just one day, if it was the only time I was going to be able to feel her alive. 
When I first learned I was pregnant with her, I felt that sting the day that I was told of my friends pregnancy ending so soon, and then again when another friends pregnancy had also ended so soon. That sting I felt with my miscarriages. I felt that sting when I was in the hospital and the tech told me she was 85% sure she was a girl. I felt that sting when we were given confirmation that she was a beautiful princess we would be blessed with for her big sister that had longed for her, and for her big brothers who I know would have loved her so much. When she told us that Lucy was measuring perfectly, and actually 3 days ahead of her due date, I KNEW something wasn't right because it was so unlike my babies, I felt that sting. When I had gone to Shands for my first high risk appt, I felt that sting, but at that time I thought her heart had already stopped and was so scared for the ultrasound. When I went to leave, I should have scheduled my followup but I just didn't listen to my heart, I left there feeling that sting in my heart. I felt that sting when I bought her clothes, when I looked at anything for her. When I pictured bringing her home, and what life would be like I felt that sting. When we told Mary, and gave her some things that she would be able to share with her baby sister, I felt that sting. I felt that sting on Christmas, when my husband gave me the greatest gift a mother could be given, 5 little people charms (2 girls, & 3 boys) and a carriage charm for my pandora bracelet. I had always wanted something like that, and as ecstatic as I was and how much joy it brought me to imagine life with our 5 children, I felt that sting. When I had to do cpr on Owyn, I felt that sting and was terrified of loosing him, and once we knew he was ok I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with Lucy. Little did I know how much our lives would change over the next month. When we went to the hospital and they told me they couldn't keep her on the monitor because she was so active, I felt that sting. That night I could not sleep, at all. When I awoke the next morning, and the contractions were coming back I felt that sting. I asked Jay if we should take one of the outfits that an amazing woman had sent me, that at the time I thought may have been small enough, I put it back down because I felt that sting and in my heart that Lucy would not be coming home with us that day, but even though I felt that sting I held onto hope that God would not allow this to happen to me, to us. Especially after what we had just experienced with Owyn. But once I arrived at the hospital and I felt the tiniest little flutter as they were rolling me off the elevator I felt that sting stronger then ever and I knew that was the last movement I would ever feel from her. 20 mins later they could not find her heartbeat. They said that it was just being masked by mine, because I was so scared and knew she was gone I could not settle my heart down. But I KNEW that she was gone. When the tech came in, as soon as she put the wand on my stomach and there were no sounds, it was as though I had known all along that she would not make it home with us, that she would forever be our little angel. It was as though every time I took the medications, when yes they may have helped some, they kept taking me back to that fateful day. That day that I remember absolutely nothing about except for that I left that hospital without our baby, and the greatest sorrow I had ever known. That we were far enough along that if the night before I would have stayed and gone to shands and wound up delivering, that she would have had more of a chance of survival. That I was at least only 6 wks away from being able to deliver our HEALTHY baby girl. I left there knowing I was the mommy to an angel that I would never get to watch grow, that I would never be able to hug her and kiss her, and watch her play. I left there completely, madly, deeply in love with an angel. I left appreciating life, my children, and my husband more then I ever had before and I thought I couldn't appreciate it anymore then I already had. I left there knowing my children, and my family were completely devastated and there was nothing I could do to change that. I left there with all of my faith and trust in God and His plan completely shattered. 

Try very hard to remember.

Now, now I have come to accept all of it. No it does not change the sorrow, it does not take the pain of missing her away. But I have realized that she had a purpose, her precious little life had a reason. She saved my life so that I could be here and take care of her sister, and brothers. They discovered my arrhythmia because of my pregnancy with her. Loosing her has made me realize that no matter how much faith & trust you have, that things are not meant to work out the way YOU intend it too. It is all in God's hands. It is His choice when our time on Earth is finished. It is His choice when we receive blessings. That as quick as He gives them, He can take them away. As I saw on a picture, that "God makes us hit rock bottom, to realize He is the rock at the bottom." This year has been the roughest yet, and I pray that we never have to face another like it. It has changed my family, it has changed who I am. If you know me you know the struggles we have had with each pregnancy, but you also know that I would do it all again for any one of my babies. They are my world. My world has revolved around them. Around playing with them, raising them, and loving them. It has always been my fear of something happening to one of my children. We had a scare with Mary, then to have Kyleman born with hearing loss and it should have had many other complications, then Iyan being born and having a fever of 102 for the first nearly two weeks of his life, then Owyn having his seizure and having to perform cpr on him, and 3 early miscarriages in all of that. I thought after that we had experienced so much pain, that we wouldn't experience my greatest fear again. And I say again, because Owyn was gone. I had experienced the loss of a child, if only for a few minutes, I had. But I was very naive. I had my faith and trust rocked on the day of Owyn's seizure. All during my pregnancy with Lucy I was very cautious, I think a little to cautious. But I began to change from the moment I found out I was pregnant with her, I just did not realize it. But looking back, I can see that I had. My fear of loosing her had all but consumed me. I did not allow myself to fully attach to her, until much later in the pregnancy only to have her taken away. I took everyday for granted, and kept thinking how I could not wait to get to the day to hold our baby sister. If I only would have realized how amazing life was during those 30 wks. Even with how sick I was, needing phenergan shots every two hours, and my thyroid meds, with how I could barely move because of my back... it was amazing. I had 4 amazing, healthy miracles and another on the way. I had a man that loves me and our children with his whole heart. We had a place to call home. We had family that loved us. And a God that I had never truly doubted. 

My prayer is that I find that hope, faith, and trust again one day
and never loose it again.

Now. I think twice about every decision I make. I think twice before allowing my children to do anything. I try everyday to find something that has brought us happiness. I hug, kiss, and talk with my kids more then I ever had. I watch every second closely, because it may be my last second with someone. My heart is happy and feels very blessed but it also aches, so much, and will NEVER feel whole and complete again. I question to leaving the house at times for fear of something reminding me of her, and the loss we had. I am afraid to be with friends in fear of them not being honest and talking with me about anything because they are afraid of upsetting me or that I will upset them by mentioning her. When in reality, now is when I need them the most. Or that my friends would rather spend time elsewhere or someone else because they do not know how to face, or talk to a woman going through what I have. I was content with everything in my life, now I feel like I do not know what content feels like. I feel like pure happiness is just something someone dreams about. A piece of my heart will forever be missing, it will never be whole again. A piece of me left that day. The happiness that I do feel, is completely different then I have ever experienced. I do not smile easily anymore. When I do smile, it's just not the same9. I feel guilt for smiling, knowing how much my heart is aching. I feel like in the last nearly 8 months I have aged so many years. Loosing a child is something no parent should have to face. I truly wish I would have known how much loosing a child could change you, so I could have been even just a touch prepared. I did not even have time to truly process what had happened with Owyn before we lost Lucy, I had no idea what I was truly in for. So many lessons learned since the second of her loss. Learning the true meaning of grief, learning to NEVER take a single second for granted, to stop and listen to your heart and your gut, to appreciate everything and everyone in your life, no matter what struggles you may have faced so far. To never hold anything in. To always talk about your feelings. To hold every memory you can close to your heart. This is all stuff, that I thought I had done before that day. I was completely wrong. I thought that I knew how much I loved my family, that I held every memory in my heart. 
I feel as though I am learning to live again. I know that I will never be the same woman I was. I will never be the same mother, friend, sister, daughter, aunt that I was. I will never be that naive again. I will always hold the lessons learned close to my heart. I am learning to trust in God's plan for my life again. I am trying to find a way to trust myself again. It feels durn near impossible, but I'm trying. I know that at the time I made the best decisions, the decisions that I would bring our daughter here safely but with that I have learned that it doesn't matter what decisions I make, if it isn't part of God's plan then it will not happen. I have accepted my mistakes, and things that I should have done differently. I can not change them. All I can do is learn. I will never understand or be ok with the fact that our daughter was called home but I have accepted that it is part of our journey and what I believe are the lessons God had instore for me to learn. I will always have a little bit of regret for the decisions that I made, but I have accepted it. As much as it hurts, I am thankful for the short time I had Lucy, I would have rather had that short time then no time at all. Because one day I will know her, one day I will see her again. That I am promised. Yes I still hurt, I always will, nothing can change that. But she saved my life, she has taught me more from her short time then I believe I could have ever learned. She is our daughter, and I am so blessed to say that I have 2 daughters and 3 sons.

She has forever changed
our family.

1. I am a mother of five.
2. I have 2 daughters and 3 sons.
3. I have accepted my journey.
4. I am finding a way to trust God, and myself again.
5. I try very hard to not take anything for granted.
6. I know the true meaning of grief.
7. My heart will never be whole again.
8. I will always listen to my heart and my gut.
9. I have been blessed.
10. I am Mommy to an angel.

Kissing our angel, Lucy Kate.

I am not the same person I was before, I will never be the same. I am forever changed. 
Always Ours <3

 Now, if you made it through this, remember that I do not blame myself or anyone else. This is just things that have crossed my mind, and this is the only way I knew to completely let go of them. And with that, I leave you this picture. It is a symbol of us letting Lucy go, and allowing her to rest in peace until our jobs are done here on Earth and we join her one day.

This is us letting our balloons go on the day of Lucy's service.
 As Jason put it "they are dancing up to her."
We were surrounded by loved ones, &
I couldn't have asked for anything more on such a painful day.
I began my healing process on that day.