1 year ago

We have reached one year. I have reached a day that I never dreamed I would be able to make it too. But I have, we have. I can not explain how I am feeling right now really. As I put it to a friend earlier, I think I am emotionally exhausted today. I have so much pain from missing Lucy, but I have so much joy because I have been blessed with my amazing little lovebugs, an amazing husband and family and friends. I am so thankful for the support we have received. No one will ever fully understand what those little words of "I've been thinking of you," "I've been thinking of Lucy," "How are you," could mean to someone going through this. 





I am doing ok. Honestly ok is the only word I know how to describe it right now. These last couple of days have gotten a touch difficult but I'm keeping myself in check. Still so hard to believe that this has happened, and hard to feel the reality of it all. She should have been close to a year now. Life should be so very different. Hard to believe its been a year already, when it feels like just yesterday but also that 50 years has passed. I know that may sound like an exaggeration but truly it's not. I still remember nothing really from this week last year. I DO remember that moment when the nurse confirmed my greatest fear in life as if I was still living that moment and laying in that bed, I still feel that last little flutter. I still find myself at times asking why me, why my family, why my baby. But I always bring myself back to reality and remember how grateful I am to have had even just those short 30 weeks with her. Remember how grateful I am I have my babies here with me. And remember that I would never wish for any parent to feel this way, so therefore I must feel it so even just one other mother does not. 1 in every 4 mothers loose their baby, I was 1 of 4 of my friends that was pregnant at the time. I would never wish this pain on them. Never. I've lost 4 precious lives now. As much as I want no other mother to feel this, I pray I never have to go through another loss again. I try everyday to live with her in my heart, to smile for her, and to be happy for her and for my miracles here because I do not want them to think that a loss can take all of your happiness and joy away, but mostly because they deserve my happiness. They deserve to have a happy momma. Where as I will never be the same, my happiness will never be complete, I have to do the best I can for them <3 Because they deserve my best, my all that I can give. 

It is still so hard, I still have my moments. But that I do not believe will ever change. But with every breathe I take I take for my children, every laugh I hear, every "Mommy" I hear spoken, every little hand that slides into mine and squeezes, every little bitty hug & kiss, every "I love you" spoken makes every moment a little easier to get through. I have to live for all of my little ones, even the ones that are not here with us. So I am doing the best I can, and I am so thankful for my little people to brighten everyday, so blessed with every friend & family member that is always there for us. One moment at a time, one day at a time we will make it through this. With prayers, our faith and hope we will make it <3